Javert and Jean Valjean (Les Misérables)

There was always something unusual about Javert’s obsession with Valjean, amiright? We’ve all been there: guy steals bread, skips parole, and we devote our lives to the obsessive quest to bring him to justice. But rarely do we devote ourselves in quite the way Javert did. There’s a kind of Smith-Neo vibe between these two here, and it isn’t just the ambivalence and the solidarity of two Australians who do English accents to pass themselves off as Frenchmen. So, in our version of Les Mis, Javert understands that he’s been living in too rigid a binary between disorder and order, chaos and law! He starts to wear his uniform just for fun! That is to say, he bends a bit in the breeze, and these two set up a wine-making collective in the Dordogne, and all the dissidents from the barricade (they don’t die) move in, and it’s all grape-pressing by day and musical theatre by night. Do you hear the people sing? You bet we do.

Romy and Michelle (Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion)

Let’s face it: these two slowdanced at the prom and in our opinion they should slowdance into the Venice Beach sunset forever (preferably wearing matching A-line minidresses handstitched by Michelle, butterfly-shaped glitter clips and strappy silver clogs, and occasionally veering into their justly famous reunion dance). So what if they sort of form a threesome with Alan Cumming at the end? That could totally work. We all know about Alan Cumming.

Lorelei Lee and Dorothy Shaw (Gentlemen Prefer Blondes)

And it isn’t just gentlemen. For a romantic comedy built around a marriage plot, this one just isn’t that into the marriage plot. It’s a given by now that this film sees Marilyn Monroe and Jane Russell accidentally join a gay cruise, where the boys have eyes only for each other. Basically there hadn’t been so much transport-specific homoerotic tension since that time Marilyn took the drag train in Some Like It Hot. But maybe it goes deeper than that. Why does Marilyn/Lorelei sing ‘no! no! no!’ to that gang of tuxedos at the beginning? And what exactly does she mean by ‘diamond’? Is this whole cruise thing a ruse to bring her to that moment when she and Jane Russell finally walk down the aisle together? For Lorelei, bagging a man has always just been a financial transaction, but bagging a brunette might be something else. Maybe this is what she really means when she sings that she and Dorothy are two girls from ‘the wrong side of the tracks’. To which we say, I hope so. Bend those rails, baby.