Kids Are All Right 2

"The Kids Are All Right" recently landed itself on BFI’s list of top ten great lesbian films. I’m not surprised, but I’m also not pleased. Since its debut "The Kids Are All Right" has found its way on to many best of lists, winning many awards along the way (including 3 major Oscar nominations). Its wide success was a goal, not a coincidence. In an interview on, the film’s director and co-writer Lisa Cholodenko commented: “I was much more interested in reaching out to the male population than I was about alienating a sector of the lesbian population”. Well, she succeeded in reaching out not only to men but to mainstream American society more generally by creating a story of lesbians that, despite their Sapphic tendencies, are basically just like everyone else we see in Hollywood. And what comes of this type of depiction? Lesbianism gets painted as palatable, non-threatening, and, ultimately, not that different. My question is: why is that the goal?

The movie steps into the lives of an affluent, white lesbian-led family of two as their eldest reaches the legal age to request the contact information of their sperm donor. The sperm donor then becomes implicated (and implicates himself) in the couple’s marital strife. Nic, played by Annette Bening, is a high-powered, obviously successful, domineering surgeon and the breadwinner of the family who sits at the head of the table. Jules, played by Julianne Moore, is flaky, impulsive, established as more of a peer to the kids, and initially presented as a stay-at-home mom – in a sense, the stereotypical woman and wife.

In the movie, Nic and Jules expend considerable effort distancing themselves from folks who are not like them (read: not white, not rich). When Jules tries her hand at landscape design, she hires a Mexican gardener. She makes fun of his accent, pretends not to understand him, and accuses him of not speaking English. Finally, when it is obvious that he has become privy to her affair, she fires him. When relaying the incident to Nic, Jules accuses him of using cocaine. Since he is Mexican, this is just accepted. What’s important in this interaction is that Jules is not an immigrant loving queer – she is a white American.


The family is obviously wealthy, and they spend a lot of the movie demonstrating their affluence, especially in contrast to Paul, the donor dad. This comparison is strange since Paul owns an organic restaurant and is clearly doing fine for himself. Still, Nic positions herself above him using education: Paul dropped out of college; Nic went to medical school. Obviously, that makes her superior.

Oddly, they do not spend time with anyone else in the queer community, so no energy is spent distinguishing themselves from straight people. Instead, Nic and Jules turn on each other. In the process, they construct a heteronormative family dynamic based upon a breadwinner/not breadwinner model. This dynamic runs through the whole film and plays on tired butch/femme stereotypes as well as ideas about gendered roles in love and parenting that should just be put to bed already. Together, Nic and Jules create a hierarchy within their family where Jules, who is presented as the more feminine of the two, relies on Nic for financial stability. Nic, who was continuously associated with more masculine traits and interests, exerted financial (and otherwise) power over Jules. It is not surprising that of the two of them, Jules is the one who has an affair with a man. I mean, after the way Nic’s character was established, it would have been both awkward and unbelievable for mainstream America to watch Nic’s character fuck Mark Ruffalo. However, that choice is one of the important ways that the movie devalues femme queerness.

Since the title of the movie is "The Kids Are All Right," it should come as no surprise that their kids play a major role in their ability to seem just like everyone else. But what does it mean for kids to be all right? Well, in the case of this movie, it means they are both appropriately cisgendered and definitively heterosexual. Maybe the most important message this movie sends mainstream America is: don’t panic, even if the parents are gay, their kids will still be straight! The movie neutralizes the fear that gay parents will turn their kids gay by really focusing the kids’ plotlines on heterosexual crushes or ‘coming out’ as straight stories. Phew!

Of course, as hard as one might work to construct lesbians as just like everyone else (read: heterosexual people), at the bare minimum, they fuck differently. However, while the main protagonists are lesbians, the movie mostly features heterosexual sex. I have constructed a simple table here contrasting the depiction of lesbian versus heterosexual sex:

Kids Table

The humourous element to their sex scene was a total let down. Had it been done differently, the inclusion of gay male porn would have been progressive choice for the movie. As it was, it made their sex seem slapstick. Nic and Jules watched a campy gay male porno, and Nic accidentally hits the remote, sending the volume way up. They are also using a vibrator that sounds reminiscent of a lawnmower. The scene feels awkward. It plays off stereotypes about lesbian sex, appealing to a male audience. Likewise, in the first sex scene between Jules and Paul, she unzips his pants, views his penis and exclaims excitedly at the sight. This also relies on stereotypical discourses related to lesbians from a non-queer perspective, implying that what is missing from queer sex is a penis. Obviously?

"The Kids Are All Right" focuses on presenting an image of lesbians as just like everyone else. As the review from commented, poignantly, “That they’re a gay family is almost incidental, almost”. Instead of telling a story about queered parenting or a queered family, the movie seeks to assure mainstream American society that queers can create the same families as heterosexuals. The movie never questions whether or not that should be the goal because it is too busy pleading normalcy

[1] A quick note on language! I use lesbian when referencing the movie directly because those are the terms from the film. I use queer when I’m speaking for myself.