By Alice Lytton | /Bent March 4, 2014 at 12:15PM
(I should mention in advance last Sunday was the first time I stayed up all night to watch the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences Awards. It wasn't long until I realised it would be the last (unless next year they just leave the camera on Meryl Streep for four hours and then I might consider it). Rather than gnawing off my own hand and trying to feed it to my cats, I turned instead to fantasising. It was the only way not to transmute into a bubbling goop of rage. So Ls and Gs you might have been watching capitalist democracy's torturously long "Lifetime Achievement Award" but this is what I saw, and in my head, it's all true. Think of this as a "How I Got Through The Oscars" column. If you were similarly afflicted tell me how you made it through below! Or just tell me how dumb and frivolous I am, I can take it!)
1. J Law and Lupita trump Grammys, Marry on Red Carpet
You've all seen the pics of these two play-fighting over the Oscar, but that wasn't the only wrestling that went on that night (j/k, don't sue). Seriously, if Cinderella had been accompanied by this exact picture, I would have spent a hella lot more of my youth poring/pawing over fairytales. Always ones for upping the ante JLaw and Lupita were clearly like "Fuck you, Grammys!" and just married the hell out of each other right there on the red carpet. I heard Lupita's bro even got one of those sketchy internet priest certificates and officiated! Look at that sweet onlooking child. She's clearly witnessing herself some nuptials! And the entire thing missed by a complacent international press.
(photo source: http://www.redditian.com/r/funny/1zo288)
Because, like me, you believe everything you read in the tabloids you'll know that ELLEN AND PORTIA ARE ON THE ROCKS. Well here's your proof. Her new g/f for the evening, Glenn Close, clearly went from suspicious to scandalised (get it! Hi Kerry!) in the space of a few flirtatious seconds. Oh, Ellen. Didn'tchahear? JLaw got married to Lupita just a few moments ago!
Tearstained Lawrence, moved by the news that her wifey went down under...
Cue heartbreak song with JLaw's name encrypted within it in a few months time.
5.) Meanwhile, Lesbians Who Look Like Pharrell Williams sent a rep to the Academy Awards
Does this even exist? It should! It's hot! I'd totally homepage that.