The /bent team -- Peter Knegt, Alice Lytton, Oliver Skinner and Gregory Rosebrugh -- will be collectively bitching about the Oscars for the next 3 or 4 hours for your potential entertainment. We apologize in advance for what results, especially during the increasingly drunken final act of the show. 

5:30pm - Let's get this started. 

5:31pm - Ellen dressed like U2. [GR]

5:34pm - 4 minutes in, and the best Ellen can offer is a joke about June Squibb being old? [PK]

5:36pm - John Travolta is really travolting right now. [GR]

5:37pm - Ellen looking/sounding rad sharp. "One of the nominees is "Her". And by "Her" I mean Meryl Streep". (Also looking rad sharp.) [AL]

5:39pm - Laura Dern is here! Let's give her all the awards! [GR]

5:42pm - "Possibility #1: '12 Years a Slave' wins best picture; Possibility #2: You're all racists. Now please welcome, our first white presenter." - Ellen ends things off on a very high note. [PK]

5:42pm - There must have been serious deliberation about that 12 Years joke. Hilarious! [GR]

5:43pm - Anne Hathaway is about to give an award to Jared Leto. At least we'll get two horrible things over with. [PK]

5:44pm - And we're correct: Jared Leto, Dallas Buyers Club - Best Supporting Actor. 

5:46pm - 30 Seconds to Mars was just mentioned. SHUT IT DOWN. [GR]

5:47pm - For all the people hating on our own Matthew Knott for suggesting some trans actors for Jared Leto's role this speech is a great reason for thinking again: Laverne Cox makes her speeches about the trans community she represents, Jared Leto thinks he represents everyone but (but hi Ukraine!) [AL]

5:49pm - How I feel about Jared Leto's win [OS]

Jared Leto

5:53pm - The most cringe-worthy text anyone got from their Mom tonight: "Wow, that was pretty cool. Jared Leto is super attractive." [OS]

5:54pm - Hey Pharrell, Jamiroquai wants his hat, moves, and music back. [GR]

5:54pm - Kerry Washington introduces Pharrell's Hat. Which seems to be the only happy thing in that outfit. [AL]

5:57pm - Wow, the Academy still allowed Naomi Watts to present after "Diana"? [PK]

5:59pm - Best Costume Design - The Great Gatsby

6:00pm - Worthy win - The Great Gatsby's costumes were obviously the glammiest. [AL}

6:01pm - Best Makeup & Hairstyling - Dallas Buyers Club

6:03pm - "Victims of AIDS--" Problematic! [GR]

6:03pm - You stole my line, GR [PK]

6:04pm - "transform and torture". Yup that's what it is to turn a pretty Hollywood boy into a pretty trans woman. Sheesh. Another Dallas Buyers award speech fail for me.  [AL]

6:06pm - Channing Tatum is the biggest power-bottom in Hollywood. [OS]

6:10pm - Kim Novak is here. Remember, The Artist 'raped' Vertigo. [GR]

6:13pm - The night's first surprise. Or kind of surprise. Best Animated Short - Mr. Hublot

6:14pm - I've nothing against Mr Hublot but French accents only remind me that Adele Exarchopolous wasn't nominated for "Blue is the Warmest Colour" [AL]

6:16pm - "Are you ready?" Magical Novak delivery as we find out something we were wholly expecting: Best Animated Feature - Frozen

6:18pm - Harvey Milk, Abraham Lincoln, the mom from 'The Blind Slide'? #heros [PK]

6:19pm - Are President Lincoln and Muhammad Ali 'ordinary' heroes? [GR]

6:20pm - Have I really heard "The Lone Ranger" said out loud twice in that hallowed hall? Yes, yes I have. [AL]

6:20pm - Do they even have to announce the nominees for best visual effects? [PK]

6:22pm - Nope, the didn't. Best Visual Effects - Gravity.

6:24pm - Karen O! Finally, a moment we've been waiting for. [PK]

6:25pm - "Is this song from 'Gravity'?" A very drunk person at the party I'm at assuming thats what the moon means. [PK]

6:30pm - Stop letting Kate Hudson think she's still famous, Academy! [PK]

6:31pm - Best Live Action Short - Helium

6:33pm - I feel like I'm cheating on Ellen the little glee I get watching Tina Fey in this commercial. Sorry not sorry. {AL]

6:34pm - Short Film Categories: AKA everyone who entered an Oscar pool's least favourite category. [OS]

6:34pm - Best Documentary Short - The Lady In Number 6

6:37pm - Best Documentary Feature - Twenty Feet From Stardom. Oh, populism.

6:38pm - Wow. That was unexpected for me. I really thought "The Act of Killing" was too good to lose.  [AL]

6:39pm - Alright, it was worth it for this. [PK]

6:40pm - Darlene Love just won everything. Let's go home. Also, I think Bill Murray is stoned. [GR]

6:41pm - For those counting at home, there's been two standing Os: Pharrell and Darlene Love [PK]

6:42pm - Remember when Angelina loved her brother? She's come a long way. [GR]

6:43pm - Bring back the honorary Oscars. Those speeches in their entirety were more entertaining than anything on this telecast so far. [PK]

6:45pm - Best Foreign Language Film - The Great Beauty. Keep these surprises coming, Academy ;)

6:52pm - Okay we're over an hour in and "Dallas Buyers Club" still has the most Oscars. Start winning those tech categories, "Gravity"! [PK]

6:57pm - Bono, just wear normal fucking glasses for once! Stop this nonsense!  [GR]

6:57pm - Thank you, U2, for allowing me to go chain smoke in the stairwell for 5 minutes. [PK]

6:58pm - *SMOKE BREAK* [OS]

6:59pm - Is there a band I hate more than U2 these days? This is a smug display. I'm going to the john.  Also, Oscar wing mate offers this line: "Bono: The Desolation of Smug". [GR]

7:02pm - Ellen changed! And she's taking selfies with Liza! And now Meryl! Does this make Meryl gay by association? Let's say yes! [AL]

7:03pm - Alright, Ellen this is great. #Oscarselfie

7:04pm - Ellen Degeneres crashed twitter [OS]:

Oscar Selfie

7:06pm - I get chills whenever I see Michael B. Jordan. It's Wallace from The Wire!  [GR]

7:10pm - Best Sound Mixing - Gravity

7:11pm - Here comes the 40 minutes of the ceremony where everyone thanks Alfonso Cuaron. [PK}

7:11pm - Best Sound Editing - Gravity

7:12pm - Moment of truth. #TeamLupita

7:14pm - These supporting actress clips are PERFECT. [PK] 

7:18pm - Best Supporting Actress - LUPITA!!!

7:19pm - Lupita won! Liza hugged Lupita! Everything will be fine! [GR]

7:19pm - Lupita may be the win of the night [OS}

7:19pm - Correction: Lupita is the fucking win of the night [OS]


7:20pm - Yo Jared! This is how to give a speech! [AL]

7:21pm - It seems Lupita also crashed Twitter. [PK]

7:23pm - Is Siri in charge of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences? [AL]

7:26pm - Best Cinematography - Gravity.

7:29pm - That man shot "Reality Bites" [PK]

7:32pm - Best Film Editing - GRAVITY.

7:32pm- That time Alfonso said nothing for winning best editor, and we all agreed that he should hold his speech for later. [GR]

7:33pm - Ontario Boy, 19, Dies From "Pot Brownie" Overdose At Toronto Oscar Party [OS]

7:33pm - RIP Oliver [PK]

7:34pm - Hey, remember when Whoopi dressed as Brian Slade from Velvet Goldmine? That was real! [GR]

7:35pm - Liza, The Wizard of Oz, Pink, a Judy Garland Tribute?? This is as gay as it gets, folks. [PK]

7:36pm - Pink looks like a corpuscle in that dress. [AL]

7:37pm - "Somewhere over the Rainbow" just joined the word "genius" in demanding compensation from the Academy. [AL]

7:41pm - Meanwhile, in the commercial break iPad abuses Walt Whitman. [AL]

7:43pm - 7:46pm - Fun Fact: My best friend and I walked out of American Hustle 15 minutes before it ended just to get to the liquor store before it closed. [OS]

7:43pm - Benedict Cumberbatch is here. I need a towel. [GR]

7:44pm - Best Production Design - The Great Gatsby.

7:46pm - 2 wins for a Baz Lurmann movie. Yes, gay middle agers run this shit. [GR]

7:47pm - Baz's beard has a lot of Oscars. [PK]

7:48pm - "Ladies and Gentlemen, the talented Chris Evans." Best line of the night. [GR]

7:49pm - Oh great, another heroes montage. [PK}

7:49pm - How the shit did Footloose get into that montage? [GR]

7:50pm - Well this whole segment on "inspiring heroes" is a bit of a cock-fest, huh? [AL]

7:54pm - RIP. Seriously, this was a sad year.

7:55pm - BARONESS SCHRADER DIED?! Where the fuck was I?! [GR]

7:58pm - Oh, come on. Bette singing this is somehow the most predictable thing the Academy has ever done. [PK]

7:59pm - Bette Midler is owning this shit. [GR]

8:01pm - Bette Midler is the new Dos Equis man. "I don't always attend this awards show, but when I do I KILL THIS SHIT." [GR]

8:03pm - Holdy Gone is my new drag name [PK]

8:06pm - "There'll always be a special place in my heart for movie musicals" - John Travolta, continuing to somehow make the world think he's straight. [PK]

8:08pm - This is travolting. [GR]

8:11pm - They haven't announced an award in almost half an hour. Let it go, Oscars. [PK]

8:12pm - PK, I know you would've skipped out on Idina's performance to share a cigarette with me #RealFriendsStickTogether [OS]

8:12pm - OS, I'd be there. [PK]

8:13pm - Jamie Foxx, it isn't cute. Sit your ass down and think about what you've done. [GR]

8:15pm - Best Original Score - Gravity

8:17pm - I wanted that to go to "Her" so bad. [PK]

8:18pm - Stop giving Bono attention. You're encouraging him! Look, he changed his eyewear! See what you did!! [GR]

8:18pm - Best Original Song - "Let It Go" 

8:19pm - This show keeps out gaying itself. [PK]

8:21pm - If I was kind I'd stay quiet about that Best Original Song speech but oh my the CRINGE [AL]


8:25pm - Best Adapted Screenplay - "12 Years a Slave." 

8:28pm - Best Original Screenplay - "HER"!!!! There is justice in the Oscar world.

8:29pm - Is American Hustle going home empty handed?! Who cares, SPIKE WON! [GR]

8:32pm - I just got back from the can--who won best fluffer? [GR]

8:34pm - When did Angelina become good at award shows? This is dignity right here, and it's surprisingly palatable! [GR]

8:35pm - Best Director - Alfonso Cuarón!

8:36pm - 16 year old horny me is crying for Alfonso's win. The guy who made Y Tu Mama Tambien just won best director! [GR]

8:40pm - Best Actress - Cate Blanchett

8:41pm - HELL YEAH CATE! [OS]

8:42pm - "As random and subjective as this award is..." - Cate Blanchett, the queen of everything. [PK]

8:43pm - Let's give Cate another award for best speech.  [GR]

8:43pm - That speech! That sentiment! Care Blanchett is my new Meryl! [AL]

8:47pm - Still waiting on Jack Dawson to win his well-deserved Oscar.

8:49pm - Best Actor - Matthew McConaughey

8:51pm - First 'thank you' to God all night?! [GR]

8:52pm - God. [PK]

8:54pm - I want some of whatever Matthew is on. {AL]

8:57pm - Will someone yank True Detective off the stage? This is almost Bono smug. [GR]

8:57pm - Matthew "now I have an Oscar I'm a story-teller" McConaughey gives the most solipsistic speech ever. [AL]

9:00pm - BEST PICTURE....... 12 Years a Slave!

9:01pm - We're not racist! [GR]

9:04pm - Bye bye bye: