Before Ryan Gosling stole my lady away, there was me and my real girl... This was us trying to run away from the paparazzi following the world premiere of her movie "Doll Parts." But alas, the bright lights, fame and money (not to mention all the free love) were just too much for her, and Ryan offered her a more simple existence. So that bastard stole her away from the glare of public love, made her dye her hair and take bowling lessons so she could fit in with his simple kind of life with his family in the Mickey Mouse Club in beautiful Celebration, Florida...

She even gave up yoga, her strict vegetarianism and alcohol so she could blend in at Ryan's church, but I think Ryan's anal relatives still looked down on her because she was not a virgin and already had donated eggs to other real girls so they too could bask in the glory of living a plastic life.

Fortunately for me, since I made it big producing "Doll Parts" I was able to swoon another real girl in the form of Amanda Lepore to rescue me emotionally. We're even collaborating on a new film called "Fuck the Y Chromosome" (though the U.S. title is going to have to be "Screw the Y Chromosome") which is represented by Cinetic (though I already know that IFC Films is going to win it in a bidding war with THINKFilm, Fox Searchlight, Paramount Vantage, Samuel Goldwyn and The Weinstein Company). But no worries... We won't let anyone know that until after its gala screening at next year's Sundance Film Festival followed by the European debut at Cannes (they made an exception for us naturally -- plus Amanda loves rose wine because it sort of matches her lipstick).

I just hope that Ryan -- seen here telepathically telling my friend and his manager Cheryl Barner that he secretly loves me -- will resist taking anyone else's real girl (or at least until after I can get Amanda's secret recipe for luscious lips and alternative forms of titty play).