In these crappy times, we oddly enough can look to the French for a little insight on how to raise the mega-euros. America's dollar sucks -- and that's our fault damnit. And, didn't it mostly seem that this year was sort of ho-him fun-wise? Or am I just completely out of the know...?

Anyway, let's take a cue from the Cannes hotels and really raise money... Vodka sponsors are great; we all love Andrew Saffir, for instance Stateside (great parties, fab people, and press pacifying), but the real money is in stuff. Take it away Cannes...

Sponsored chandeliers (merci Chopard)

Have you ever been in an elevator (Lift) sponsored by L'Oreal? Well you should...

Or...

Plants... Breathe!

This grand dame built in 1911:

has kept up with the times...

The Ritz:

BUT: Stay the hell away from The Grand Hotel!!

Once cool, so so so so over! Cluster-fuck '09

They may have delayed the line up announcement by one week, but the Festival de Cannes unveiled this year's poster promptly. Is it a "Scarlett Johansson" channeling Marilyn Monroe? Or is it just the real thing with a bit of Photoshop magic? Whoever it is, Marilyn has been getting a lot of news lately with the sale of a certain 'video.' She was so ahead of her time.

Before Ryan Gosling stole my lady away, there was me and my real girl... This was us trying to run away from the paparazzi following the world premiere of her movie "Doll Parts." But alas, the bright lights, fame and money (not to mention all the free love) were just too much for her, and Ryan offered her a more simple existence. So that bastard stole her away from the glare of public love, made her dye her hair and take bowling lessons so she could fit in with his simple kind of life with his family in the Mickey Mouse Club in beautiful Celebration, Florida...

She even gave up yoga, her strict vegetarianism and alcohol so she could blend in at Ryan's church, but I think Ryan's anal relatives still looked down on her because she was not a virgin and already had donated eggs to other real girls so they too could bask in the glory of living a plastic life.

Fortunately for me, since I made it big producing "Doll Parts" I was able to swoon another real girl in the form of Amanda Lepore to rescue me emotionally. We're even collaborating on a new film called "Fuck the Y Chromosome" (though the U.S. title is going to have to be "Screw the Y Chromosome") which is represented by Cinetic (though I already know that IFC Films is going to win it in a bidding war with THINKFilm, Fox Searchlight, Paramount Vantage, Samuel Goldwyn and The Weinstein Company). But no worries... We won't let anyone know that until after its gala screening at next year's Sundance Film Festival followed by the European debut at Cannes (they made an exception for us naturally -- plus Amanda loves rose wine because it sort of matches her lipstick).

I just hope that Ryan -- seen here telepathically telling my friend and his manager Cheryl Barner that he secretly loves me -- will resist taking anyone else's real girl (or at least until after I can get Amanda's secret recipe for luscious lips and alternative forms of titty play).

We've spent $400 billion on a war that's a lie, 45 million Americans don't have health insurance and poverty is rising in the U.S. But, who am I? Some kind of bore? What about Star Jones being fired from "The View?" Well, I don't plead to be 100% political... Since being in Los Angeles covering the LA Film Festival and having access to free wireless Internet in my hotel room at the new Angeleno, I've indulged in some great morning television while working. Bring on the fluff and the cultural diversions!!!

First there's "Live with Regis and Kelly" followed by "The View." I was completely shocked, like many adherers to the sassy morning talk show, when Star Jones made her -- apparently -- unscripted announcement that she was leaving the show, which caught even Barbara off guard. The surprise -- for those of you who have missed all the gossip columns/shows -- apparently did not sit well with ABC execs or Ms. Walters, who announced the following day that Star would not return.

I couldn't help but think back to about two years ago when a very different looking Star showed up at the NYC premiere for "The Woodsman." The party was quite an a-hem, Glittering affair, with Mariah Carey in attendance (no photos of Miss Carey!) and producer/hip hop mogul Damon Dash working the mic onstage and even giving out free pairs of shoes from his clothing line (I grabbed some too, thanks for the swag!) Exiting out as I was entering in though, was Star Jones looking rather sparkly herself, and she gave me a pose. I seriously doubt she knows indieWIRE, so I couldn't pull the usual, "May I have a picture for indieWIRE?" routine that seems to work most of the time I do iPOPs at parties. But, she did it just the same... And she asked if I'd take her pic with her then new husband Al Reynolds, which I of course totally obliged since their wedding was famous for all its sponsorships -- reportedly made available due to her casual brand name references made on "The View."

Well, she's gone, and I'll miss seeing her on those occasions I can actually watch. Aside from the folks at ABC and ardent "View" onlookers, her dismissal may just seem a bleep in the realm of Pop Culture, but what the hell -- sure beats the hell out of Congress' latest gay marriage and flag burning antics. What a way to run a superpower...