(The following true story is Part 3 of the "Dear Howard Stern, please put me on your show..." promotional compaign.)

One day, I decided it would be exciting to have sex with a submissive. I got on the phone, and started calling escort services to request a submissive, but it turns out that there are way more dominants in the world than submissives, by a ratio of about 100 to 1. After several hours on the phone, I finally found a submissive named Raven who told me she used to work at "The Chateau." I had never heard of the Chateau, but I had always been a big Kafka fan so my imagination started to run wild. I made an appointment for Raven to come to my apartment later that night and spent the next several hours fantasizing about all the things we would do together. When she finally arrived, one of the first things she said to me was: "I have really low self-esteem, so please don't call me any names." Well, calling her names was one of the things that I had been fantasizing about, but I tried to make the best of the situation. I ordered her around for a while ("bend over," "get on your hands and knees," etc.) She was perfectly compliant, but I got bored after only a few minutes. There are only so many things you can order someone to do before it loses its transgressive appeal. Raven had a tattoo of the Egyptian god Anubis, so I asked her about it, and it turned out that we shared an interest in Egyptology. We spent most of the remaining hour discussing the Egyptian Book of the Dead, and as she was leaving, I gave her my favorite book on ancient Egyptian literature.