Click to Skip Ad
Closing in...
The Availability Gap: What We Lose When Netflix Wins The Availability Gap: What We Lose When Netflix Wins Mysteries of Laura Review: Debra Messing on NBC Mysteries of Laura Review: Debra Messing on NBC Daily Reads: The 50 Worst Movies Ever Made, The Last Blockbuster Video Stores and More Daily Reads: The 50 Worst Movies Ever Made, The Last Blockbuster Video Stores and More New York Times TV Critic Writes Article About 'Scandal' Creator Shonda Rhimes as an 'Angry Black Woman' New York Times TV Critic Writes Article About 'Scandal' Creator Shonda Rhimes as an 'Angry Black Woman' Comparing Lena Dunham to Woody Allen Is Unfair — to Lena Dunham Comparing Lena Dunham to Woody Allen Is Unfair — to Lena Dunham 'No Good Deed' Reviews: And the Twist Is That It's Good! (Not Really) 'No Good Deed' Reviews: And the Twist Is That It's Good! (Not Really) Now Streaming: 'Silver Linings Playbook,' 'Beginners' on Netflix Now Streaming: 'Silver Linings Playbook,' 'Beginners' on Netflix 'Ocean's Twelve' Is a Great Sequel About How Hard It Is to Make a Great Sequel 'Ocean's Twelve' Is a Great Sequel About How Hard It Is to Make a Great Sequel Why the Unanimous Praise for 'Boyhood' Is Bad for Film Criticism — and for 'Boyhood' Why the Unanimous Praise for 'Boyhood' Is Bad for Film Criticism — and for 'Boyhood' 'A Walk Among the Tombstones' Reviews: A Liam Neeson Movie Worthy of Liam Neeson 'A Walk Among the Tombstones' Reviews: A Liam Neeson Movie Worthy of Liam Neeson Studio Cancels All Screenings of 'No Good Deed' to Preserve Shocking Twist That It's Probably Terrible Studio Cancels All Screenings of 'No Good Deed' to Preserve Shocking Twist That It's Probably Terrible Daily Reads: Alison Bechdel Likes Non-Bechdel Test Passing Movies, Terry Gilliam's Influence and More Daily Reads: Alison Bechdel Likes Non-Bechdel Test Passing Movies, Terry Gilliam's Influence and More 'Transparent' Reviews: Amazon's New Series Is a Game-Changer 'Transparent' Reviews: Amazon's New Series Is a Game-Changer David Lynch on 'Eraserhead,' Women in the TV Industry David Lynch on 'Eraserhead,' Women in the TV Industry Criticwire Classic of the Week: Werner Herzog's 'Aguirre, the Wrath of God' Criticwire Classic of the Week: Werner Herzog's 'Aguirre, the Wrath of God' 'The Expendables 3' Torrent and the Techno-Utopian Delusion 'The Expendables 3' Torrent and the Techno-Utopian Delusion Newspaper Graciously Offers to Run Aspiring Film Critics' Work Without Charging Them Newspaper Graciously Offers to Run Aspiring Film Critics' Work Without Charging Them 'While We're Young': Noah Baumbach's Xer-Millennial Comedy Ponders the Difference Between Sharing People's Lives and Stealing Them 'While We're Young': Noah Baumbach's Xer-Millennial Comedy Ponders the Difference Between Sharing People's Lives and Stealing Them Daily Reads: Why Toronto Is the Best Place for Female Filmmakers, In Praise of Fincher's Women and More Daily Reads: Why Toronto Is the Best Place for Female Filmmakers, In Praise of Fincher's Women and More The Scrambled Sexuality of 'Frozen's "Let It Go" The Scrambled Sexuality of 'Frozen's "Let It Go"

Barbed Wire: 'Piranha 3DD'

Criticwire By Matt Singer | Criticwire June 1, 2012 at 11:57AM

Ten great lines from ten bad reviews of the new exploitation sequel.
0
"Piranha 3DD."
"Piranha 3DD."

Barbed Wire is the place where Criticwire celebrates the art of the pan.  Here's where you'll find the roughest, toughest, funniest reviews, with easy access links to both article and author so you can follow more of their work.

Is a collection of snarky comments about a movie called "Piranha 3DD" low-hanging fruit? Yeah, kind of. But fruit is delicious regardless where it hangs on a tree! And besides, isn't low-hanging fruit basically the entire ethos of the "Piranha" franchise? It's all lowest common denominator stuff: a bit of frontal nudity here, a dab of penile dismemberment there, a couple of wacky celebrity cameos, some end credits, and you're good to go. This latest "Piranha," a sequel to the 2010 remake of the 1978 original, is premiering simultaneously in theaters and on VOD, and while it seems a bit odd to market a 3-D movie to an audience that won't be able to see at least one of its 'D's, it's an otherwise brilliant release strategy for a movie designed to be watched by you and four of your most immature buddies at one in the morning while you're all drunk on Johnny Walker Red (Before you ask: yes, that's exactly what I'm doing later tonight).

Here are ten great lines from ten bad reviews of "Piranha 3DD." You might even say these quotes have some bite.

(Then again, you might not. Not everyone is as obsessed with bad puns as I am.)

Nigel FloydTime Out:

"These are sluggish waters, stirred only occasionally by a piranha-nibbled penis."

Michael GingoldFangoria:

"Really, it took three people to write this?"

Jay Stone, Edmonton Journal:

"It looks like what might happen if the Wayans Brothers made a spoof of a Wayans Brothers movie."

Neil SmithTotal Film:

"'Welcome to rock bottom!' sighs Hasselhoff at one stage, pretty much summing up this textbook exercise in sloppy seconds. Here’s hoping the piranhas have a better agent than he does."

Ben Rawson-JonesDigital Spy:

"Who'd have thought that a movie entitled 'Piranha 3DD' could be so bereft of titillation?"

Geoff Berkshire, HitFix:

"Let's just get it out of the way: Yes, the sequel to 2010's 'Piranha 3D' is called 'Piranha 3DD.' Yes, it's a stupid and immature joke, and yes, it's the funniest thing the movie has to offer, by far."

Kim NewmanEmpire:

"There’s a fair amount of Saturday night entertainment. Caution: not suitable for Sunday morning."

Bruce DeMaraToronto Star:

"Yes, as one character notes, 'there’s something in the water' all right, and apparently it’s making movies (and audiences) progressively more stupid."

Ed GonzalezSlant:

"David Hasselhoff, playing himself, can't even bother to summon anything resembling compassion for the approximately two dozen terrible extras who die in the film."

Gabe Toro, The Playlist:

"If the first film's slaughter was a waterfall, this one is a broken backyard hose, flailing desperately before being put out of its misery."

"Piranha 3DD" is now playing in limited release and on various VOD and streaming channels and services.

This article is related to: Barbed Wire, Piranha 3DD


E-Mail Updates