By Matt Singer | Criticwire June 1, 2012 at 11:57AM
Barbed Wire is the place where Criticwire celebrates the art of the pan. Here's where you'll find the roughest, toughest, funniest reviews, with easy access links to both article and author so you can follow more of their work.
Is a collection of snarky comments about a movie called "Piranha 3DD" low-hanging fruit? Yeah, kind of. But fruit is delicious regardless where it hangs on a tree! And besides, isn't low-hanging fruit basically the entire ethos of the "Piranha" franchise? It's all lowest common denominator stuff: a bit of frontal nudity here, a dab of penile dismemberment there, a couple of wacky celebrity cameos, some end credits, and you're good to go. This latest "Piranha," a sequel to the 2010 remake of the 1978 original, is premiering simultaneously in theaters and on VOD, and while it seems a bit odd to market a 3-D movie to an audience that won't be able to see at least one of its 'D's, it's an otherwise brilliant release strategy for a movie designed to be watched by you and four of your most immature buddies at one in the morning while you're all drunk on Johnny Walker Red (Before you ask: yes, that's exactly what I'm doing later tonight).
Here are ten great lines from ten bad reviews of "Piranha 3DD." You might even say these quotes have some bite.
(Then again, you might not. Not everyone is as obsessed with bad puns as I am.)
"These are sluggish waters, stirred only occasionally by a piranha-nibbled penis."
"Really, it took three people to write this?"
"It looks like what might happen if the Wayans Brothers made a spoof of a Wayans Brothers movie."
"'Welcome to rock bottom!' sighs Hasselhoff at one stage, pretty much summing up this textbook exercise in sloppy seconds. Here’s hoping the piranhas have a better agent than he does."
"Who'd have thought that a movie entitled 'Piranha 3DD' could be so bereft of titillation?"
"Let's just get it out of the way: Yes, the sequel to 2010's 'Piranha 3D' is called 'Piranha 3DD.' Yes, it's a stupid and immature joke, and yes, it's the funniest thing the movie has to offer, by far."
"There’s a fair amount of Saturday night entertainment. Caution: not suitable for Sunday morning."
"Yes, as one character notes, 'there’s something in the water' all right, and apparently it’s making movies (and audiences) progressively more stupid."
"David Hasselhoff, playing himself, can't even bother to summon anything resembling compassion for the approximately two dozen terrible extras who die in the film."
"If the first film's slaughter was a waterfall, this one is a broken backyard hose, flailing desperately before being put out of its misery."
"Piranha 3DD" is now playing in limited release and on various VOD and streaming channels and services.