By Matt Singer | Criticwire August 31, 2012 at 11:31AM
Barbed Wire is the place where Criticwire celebrates the art of the pan. Here's where you'll find the roughest, toughest, funniest reviews, with easy access links to both article and author so you can follow more of their work.
People are not oogieloving "The Oogieloves." They're not even oogieseeing them. These weird, bulbous monsters of felt and enthusiasm grossed $102,564 in their first day of release on Wednesday -- not a horrible number save for the fact that "The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure" was playing on over 2,100 screens all over the country, meaning its per screen average was a measly $47. In New York, that's less than four oogiemissions total for the entire day. Not good.
Neither were the reviews, although at 33% on Rotten Tomatoes, "The Oogieloves" is performing slightly better than last week's "The Apparition," which received just one positive review from a pool of more than 40 critics. Still I wouldn't expect an Oogscar for Best Feature in its future. Here are ten great lines from ten horrible reviews of 'The Oogieloves.'
"The road to hell, they say, is paved with good intentions. Walking up that road are The Oogieloves, a trio of the most cloyingly unbearable characters a parent could ever introduce to their preschool child."
"Was this a big hit in Denmark or a sensation in Australia? Did I miss something? Should I know this? The answer, in every way imaginable, is no."
"Filmed, if not quite directed, by Matthew Diamond, 'The Oogieloves' unfolds with a disjointed dream logic that may resonate with its target audience. The downside is that you'll have to sit through it, too."
"The Oogieloves look like minor league baseball mascots."
"Will your preschoolers enjoy it? Perhaps. Is it worth 88 minutes of their lives, or yours? Not in a world where 'Sesame Street' is on TV every day. Not even in a world where 'Sesame Street' didn’t exist."
"If the target audience for this film were any younger, they’d be embryos."
"Why is Chazz Palminteri doing a very bad Andrew Dice Clay impression while serving milkshakes?"
"The tale of three multi-colored blobs hunting for lost magical balloons feels like a bad pilot, the kind that post-'Barney' PBS would reject out of hand. It looks like one too."
"If you absolutely have to accompany a begging child to see this, make sure you wear a helmet (presumably one that blocks out all sights and sounds) for your protection."
"Akin to witnessing the end of the world."