Click to Skip Ad
Closing in...
'Justified' Rides Into the Sunset As One of TV's Best Shows, If Not One of Its Most Watched 'Justified' Rides Into the Sunset As One of TV's Best Shows, If Not One of Its Most Watched A Writer From The Onion Totally Destroys Patton Oswalt in This Epic Twitter Rant A Writer From The Onion Totally Destroys Patton Oswalt in This Epic Twitter Rant The A.V. Club Picks the 100 Best Movies of the Decade; 'The Master' Tops the List The A.V. Club Picks the 100 Best Movies of the Decade; 'The Master' Tops the List 'Justified's Finale Did Just Enough to Be Perfect 'Justified's Finale Did Just Enough to Be Perfect The 'Game of Thrones' Leak: Don't Blame Critics (At Least Not Yet) The 'Game of Thrones' Leak: Don't Blame Critics (At Least Not Yet) David Chase Has Explained the Ending of 'The Sopranos' Again. Maybe He Should Stop Explaining David Chase Has Explained the Ending of 'The Sopranos' Again. Maybe He Should Stop Explaining Daily Reads: Why CSI: Cyber Is a Bad Show Worth Watching, the New 'Twin Peaks' Mystery, and More Daily Reads: Why CSI: Cyber Is a Bad Show Worth Watching, the New 'Twin Peaks' Mystery, and More Daily Reads: 10 Reasons Why 'Justified' Rocked, The Case for Kristen Stewart, and more Daily Reads: 10 Reasons Why 'Justified' Rocked, The Case for Kristen Stewart, and more 'Simpsons' Showrunner Al Jean Says No Further Seasons Will Be Released on DVD 'Simpsons' Showrunner Al Jean Says No Further Seasons Will Be Released on DVD The Hollywood Reporter Ranks New York's Top Film Critics, From 'Cream Puffs' to 'F*ckers' The Hollywood Reporter Ranks New York's Top Film Critics, From 'Cream Puffs' to 'F*ckers' 'While We're Young': Noah Baumbach's Xer-Millennial Comedy Ponders the Difference Between Sharing People's Lives and Stealing Them 'While We're Young': Noah Baumbach's Xer-Millennial Comedy Ponders the Difference Between Sharing People's Lives and Stealing Them Daily Reads: Just Show Us the Damn Trailer, 'The Avengers' vs. 'Man of Steel,' and More Daily Reads: Just Show Us the Damn Trailer, 'The Avengers' vs. 'Man of Steel,' and More What Paul Walker's Digital "Fast & Furious" Double Reveals About the Troubling Future of Film Acting What Paul Walker's Digital "Fast & Furious" Double Reveals About the Troubling Future of Film Acting The Death-by-Skype Horror Movie 'Unfriended' Is an Unlikely Critical Hit The Death-by-Skype Horror Movie 'Unfriended' Is an Unlikely Critical Hit Daily Reads: 5 Key 'Game of Thrones' Premiere Scenes, Why 'Wonder Woman' Losing Its Director Was Good News, and More Daily Reads: 5 Key 'Game of Thrones' Premiere Scenes, Why 'Wonder Woman' Losing Its Director Was Good News, and More You Can Take Kristen Stewart Seriously Now. Critics Do. You Can Take Kristen Stewart Seriously Now. Critics Do. Why Andrew Jarecki's 'The Jinx' Could Be Very, Very Bad for Documentaries Why Andrew Jarecki's 'The Jinx' Could Be Very, Very Bad for Documentaries Criticwire Survey: Best Horror Movies Since 2000 Criticwire Survey: Best Horror Movies Since 2000 Daily Reads: Why No One Remembers "Avatar," the Best Blu-rays and DVDs of 2014, and more Daily Reads: Why No One Remembers "Avatar," the Best Blu-rays and DVDs of 2014, and more The Scrambled Sexuality of 'Frozen's "Let It Go" The Scrambled Sexuality of 'Frozen's "Let It Go"

Barbed Wire: 'The Smurfs 2'

Photo of Steve Greene By Steve Greene | Criticwire July 31, 2013 at 12:12PM

What in the name of Oogieloves has happened? Not since the "Big Balloon Adventure" has there been a mainstream children's movie that's inspired this level of bafflement. (Hard to remember the last time a review of a PG-rated movie alluded to "The Last Temptation of Christ," either.) Whether mind-bendingly mediocre or frustratingly sequel-safe, the new movie adaptation featuring the little blue guys has inspired a cacophony of reviews ranging from tepid to downright angry. Bad news: barring an unforeseen level of audience apathy, we're heading for a "Smurfs 3." Good news: if these writers keep their knives sharpened, we'll have more entertaining dispatches like those below from critics who generously see it on our behalf. Because, as the prophetic URL for this movie's official website lets us know, "Smurf happens."
0
Grumpy Smurfs Image

Barbed Wire is the place where Criticwire celebrates the art of the pan. Here's where you'll find the roughest, toughest, funniest reviews, with easy access links to both article and author so you can follow more of their work.  

What in the name of Oogieloves has happened?

Not since the "Big Balloon Adventure" has there been a mainstream children's movie that's inspired this level of bafflement. (Hard to remember the last time a review of a PG-rated movie alluded to "The Last Temptation of Christ," either.) Whether mind-bendingly mediocre or frustratingly sequel-safe, the new movie adaptation featuring the little blue guys has inspired a cacophony of reviews ranging from tepid to downright angry. 

Bad news: barring an unforeseen level of audience apathy, we're heading for a "Smurfs 3." Good news: if these writers keep their knives sharpened, we'll have more entertaining dispatches like those below from critics who generously see it on our behalf.

Because, as the prophetic URL for this movie's official website lets us know, "Smurf happens."

Here are ten great lines from ten Smurfing reviews of "The Smurfs 2": 

Peter HartlaubSan Francisco Chronicle:

"Save the $20 and just take your kid into the backyard to pull the wings off flies, or burn ants with a magnifying glass. There's so much torture and suffering in this movie, it starts to feel like 'Zero Dark Smurfy.'"

Kyle SmithNew York Post:

"DMV-level boredom reigns throughout as Smurfette, sucked through a portal into a fountain in Paris, frolics around town with her supposed enemies the Naughties, Azaria mugs and Harris mostly looks as engaged as if he’s waiting for a bus."

Alonso DuraldeThe Wrap:

"'The Smurfs 2' is perhaps a little less grating than its predecessor, which should count for something. But that's the kind of achievement that you can fit under a mushroom."

Drew TaylorThe Playlist:

"We would say it's an endurance test, but usually tests have some kind of reward or sense of accomplishment on the other side. All this had was the depressing realization that we had seen 'The Smurfs 2' and nothing was ever going to change that."

Tasha RobinsonThe Dissolve:

"The problem with 'Smurfs 2' isn’t the message, it’s the way the film repeats it so baldly and emphatically that even the youngest kids can get it. Also, the way it surrounds that message with groin-smashing and farting."

Peter HowellToronto Star:

"'The Smurfs 2' has everything you hated about the first movie, and more. It’s brought to you once again in UP3D (Utterly Pointless 3D) as a combo of animation and live action, with more bad Smurf puns and product cash-ins than you can shake a blue stick at."

Stephen WhittyThe Star-Ledger:

"The new film also brings on Brendan Gleeson as Harris' stepdad and, at one point, turns him into an enchanted duck. One of the Smurfs make a 'fowl' pun. Then Gleeson gets naked. And you thought foie gras was the depths of cruelty."

Tim GriersonPaste Magazine:

"Two years later, the follow-up simply goes through the motions. Art was never in the cards, but even basic competence is up for grabs this time around."

Mark OlsenLA Times:

"Right down to the brute functionality of its title, 'The Smurfs 2' may be the platonic ideal of a major studio sequel — no markedly better or worse than the first and with just enough difference to lay claim to being something new."

Claudia PuigUSA Today:

"Whose idea was it to milk a child's allergic reaction to peanuts for laughs?"

"The Smurfs 2" opens in theaters today. Please don't blame this all on Neil Patrick Harris.

This article is related to: The Smurfs 2, Barbed Wire, Neil Patrick Harris, Brendan Gleeson


E-Mail Updates



Check out Indiewire on LockerDome on LockerDome