By Matt Singer | Criticwire November 16, 2012 at 11:57AM
Barbed Wire is the place where Criticwire celebrates the art of the pan. Here's where you'll find the roughest, toughest, funniest reviews, with easy access links to both article and author so you can follow more of their work.
In spite of what you are about to read, "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2" is actually the best reviewed film in the enormously popular human-vampire-werewolf-baby romance franchise. It currently rests with a 54% on Rotten Tomatoes -- five points higher than the previous critical benchmarks for the series, "The Twilight Saga: Eclipse" and "The Twilight Saga: Twilight" (before you ask: yes, I have a bet going with someone about how many times I can get away with using the phrase "The Twilight Saga" in a single post. So bear with me, "The Twilight Saga" fans).
Of course, 54% is still considered "Rotten" at Rotten Tomatoes -- and on our own Criticwire Network, a small sample of critics have given it a lowly C- average. That includes my "positive" review -- "positive" in quotes because I would recommend the movie just to see Michael Sheen cackle like a lunatic, and because I kind of admire the chutzpah of making a big honking blockbuster that celebrates the beauty of arranged marriages and falling in love with babies (you can read my full review at ScreenCrush). So good by "The Twilight Saga" standards is not the same as good by normal movie standards. And since this is a big campy film about vampires and werewolves and Michael Sheen in a black velvet cape and Taylor Lautner being all "Hey girl" to an infant the reviewers who didn't enjoy the "Breaking Dawn" experience had some fun with it. Here are ten great lines from ten horrible reviews of "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2."
"Even the title weakens the will to live. 'The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2' sounds like a section in an instruction manual. "Kit out Bella with red contact lenses. Re-attach her to vampire Edward. Remove Jacob’s clothes, once again, so he can demonstrate his werewolf-ness to a bemused bystander (here Bella’s sheriff dad) ... End with a massed midwinter battle between the main mutants and the Volturi, the team of ancient Roman vampires led by Michael Sheen (death-pale face, Richard III hair), in which bodies and severed heads are tossed about as if in Snowscape Volleyball'..."
"Predicating a four-book epic’s big finale on a wacky misunderstanding? Seriously?"
"If you think the premise is absurd, wait till you see the execution."
"'The Twilight Saga: Treading Water' would be more apt, considering how scriptwriter Melissa Rosenberg manages to expand 30 minutes of plot into two hours of anticipation and dread."
"You can only kill a vampire by pulling off his head and setting his body on fire, something that happens with comic frequency in 'The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2.' It's a movie so dull you might start yanking on your own head after about an hour."
"Lautner's abs are the only taut thing about this tween-centered soap opera."
"In a plot development that’s consistent with the 'Twilight' series’ ongoing propensity for unacknowledged incestuous creepiness, Bella’s lupine ex-suitor Jacob (Taylor Lautner) has now 'imprinted' on her daughter (not in that way! He’s just bound by werewolf instinct to protect her from harm! Renesmée, that is!)."
"This is bugging me for some reason: The Volturi are somehow stupid enough to mistake Bella's daughter for something she isn't? What kind of stupid vampires are these vampires?"
"This motley lot -- the women bloodsuckers all seem to resemble lip-augmented Tampa trophy wives; the men, hollow-cheeked consumptives who look like VIPs at the clubs 'SNL''s Stefon frequents -- are given ample time to explain and demonstrate their special powers. It's about as exciting as watching David Blaine play Stratego."
"On the plus side, this is likely the last 'Twilight' offering for the foreseeable future, until the inevitable 'Jacob & Renesmee: It’s Baby Love!' spinoff emerges."