Click to Skip Ad
Closing in...
'Justified' Rides Into the Sunset As One of TV's Best Shows, If Not One of Its Most Watched 'Justified' Rides Into the Sunset As One of TV's Best Shows, If Not One of Its Most Watched A Writer From The Onion Totally Destroys Patton Oswalt in This Epic Twitter Rant A Writer From The Onion Totally Destroys Patton Oswalt in This Epic Twitter Rant The Death-by-Skype Horror Movie 'Unfriended' Is an Unlikely Critical Hit The Death-by-Skype Horror Movie 'Unfriended' Is an Unlikely Critical Hit 'Justified's Finale Did Just Enough to Be Perfect 'Justified's Finale Did Just Enough to Be Perfect The 'Game of Thrones' Leak: Don't Blame Critics (At Least Not Yet) The 'Game of Thrones' Leak: Don't Blame Critics (At Least Not Yet) David Chase Has Explained the Ending of 'The Sopranos' Again. Maybe He Should Stop Explaining David Chase Has Explained the Ending of 'The Sopranos' Again. Maybe He Should Stop Explaining The A.V. Club Picks the 100 Best Movies of the Decade; 'The Master' Tops the List The A.V. Club Picks the 100 Best Movies of the Decade; 'The Master' Tops the List Daily Reads: Why CSI: Cyber Is a Bad Show Worth Watching, the New 'Twin Peaks' Mystery, and More Daily Reads: Why CSI: Cyber Is a Bad Show Worth Watching, the New 'Twin Peaks' Mystery, and More Daily Reads: 10 Reasons Why 'Justified' Rocked, The Case for Kristen Stewart, and more Daily Reads: 10 Reasons Why 'Justified' Rocked, The Case for Kristen Stewart, and more 'Simpsons' Showrunner Al Jean Says No Further Seasons Will Be Released on DVD 'Simpsons' Showrunner Al Jean Says No Further Seasons Will Be Released on DVD Daily Reads: Just Show Us the Damn Trailer, 'The Avengers' vs. 'Man of Steel,' and More Daily Reads: Just Show Us the Damn Trailer, 'The Avengers' vs. 'Man of Steel,' and More 'While We're Young': Noah Baumbach's Xer-Millennial Comedy Ponders the Difference Between Sharing People's Lives and Stealing Them 'While We're Young': Noah Baumbach's Xer-Millennial Comedy Ponders the Difference Between Sharing People's Lives and Stealing Them Daily Reads: 5 Key 'Game of Thrones' Premiere Scenes, Why 'Wonder Woman' Losing Its Director Was Good News, and More Daily Reads: 5 Key 'Game of Thrones' Premiere Scenes, Why 'Wonder Woman' Losing Its Director Was Good News, and More What Paul Walker's Digital "Fast & Furious" Double Reveals About the Troubling Future of Film Acting What Paul Walker's Digital "Fast & Furious" Double Reveals About the Troubling Future of Film Acting Why Andrew Jarecki's 'The Jinx' Could Be Very, Very Bad for Documentaries Why Andrew Jarecki's 'The Jinx' Could Be Very, Very Bad for Documentaries The Children's Book from 'The Babadook' Will Terrify You in the Real World The Children's Book from 'The Babadook' Will Terrify You in the Real World The Hollywood Reporter Ranks New York's Top Film Critics, From 'Cream Puffs' to 'F*ckers' The Hollywood Reporter Ranks New York's Top Film Critics, From 'Cream Puffs' to 'F*ckers' Criticwire Survey: Best Horror Movies Since 2000 Criticwire Survey: Best Horror Movies Since 2000 Daily Reads: Why No One Remembers "Avatar," the Best Blu-rays and DVDs of 2014, and more Daily Reads: Why No One Remembers "Avatar," the Best Blu-rays and DVDs of 2014, and more The Scrambled Sexuality of 'Frozen's "Let It Go" The Scrambled Sexuality of 'Frozen's "Let It Go"

Who Will Win The Film Critic Hunger Games?

Criticwire By Matt Singer | Criticwire March 21, 2012 at 2:31PM

May the odds of making your deadline be ever in your favor.
1
Katniss is hungry... for breadsticks.
Katniss is hungry... for breadsticks.

"The Hunger Games," opening this Friday, is the story of a dystopian future where teenagers, two from each of twelve districts, are forced to fight to the death in a sadistic reality television series (I think it's called "Teen Mom").  Seeing the film at a press screening earlier this week, surrounded by dozens of film critics and journalists -- and then getting trapped with them afterwards in a wild, frenzied scrum to retrieve our cell phones  -- made me wonder: who would win The Hunger Games for film critics?

Granted, the scenario is totally implausible.  I mean, c'mon: 24 working film critics from all over North America,?  Where are you going to find 24 employed film critics anywhere?  Nevertheless, I put the question to Twitter, and Twitter responded with some really hilarious answers.  Here are my favorites:

WHO WILL WIN THE FILM CRITIC HUNGER GAMES?

@scott_tobias:

"Manohla Dargis, slinging arrows from highest tower, often with devastating accuracy."

@williamfleitch:

"Dana Stevens, of District 12, feeds heavily favored Glenn Kenny, of District 1, to mutant computer dogs."

@EricDSnider:

"In an actual fight-to-the-death contest, I suspect not having a human soul would finally come in handy for Jeff Wells."

@Sean_OConnell:

"Easy. Pauline Kael. Because her slavish minions would fight on her behalf, as they have done for decades."

@LMagFilm:

"Master aggregator David Hudson, who knows all of our strengths and weaknesses."

@JHoffman6:

"[GENE] SHALIT. He can hide weapons in 'stache like Captain Caveman."

@BilgeEbiri:

"I say [Mike D'Angelo]. Wasn't he homeless once?"

@gemko (Mike D'Angelo):

"But the key to survival is to get people to like you. (Had the film actually been about that I might have liked it.)"

@Breznican:

"Movies like 'Jack & Jill,' 'Bucky Larson,' and 'The Devil Inside.'"

But there was one runaway winner for the title of predicted victor of the 1st Annual Film Critic Hunger Games. One man who no one, critic or cinephile alike, wanted to meet in armed combat:

@Quito:

"Armond White. He waits for everyone to battle it out then makes the victors watch his top 10 of the year."

@Jwat1:

"Armond White. No one is more grizzled and vicious. Also his surprise back stabbing would put him at the head of the pack."

@mm_young:

"Armond White would say something so absurd, such as 'Jonah Hex' > 'True Grit,' that your brain stops working. Then he'd stab you."

So congrats Armond!  You may not be the most cantankerous critic in America, but you are apparently the one people who follow me on Twitter consider the most deadly.  Which is probably an even more prestigious fake prize.

This article is related to: The Hunger Games, Armond White


E-Mail Updates



Check out Indiewire on LockerDome on LockerDome