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Vulture Bids Good Riddance to the Worst Movies of 2013

by Sam Adams
December 31, 2013 1:24 PM
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Robert DeNiro in 'The Big Wedding'

As 2013 fades into the record books, Vulture takes a moment to remember the movies we won't miss with its annual worst-of poll. The results have a lot of by-now familiar faces, but the individual ballots are great fun to peruse, especially those with comments, where critics take their parting shots at some of their least-loved. (I know I enjoyed my own kiss-offs to Don Jon and Prisoners.) Here are just a few:

Ali Arikan,,

Movie 43. It's not funny; it's not iconoclastic; it's not juvenile. Instead, it is a cynical artifice, like a dildo with a Mickey Mouse face at its business end. Come to think of it, Movie 43 could have used a Mickey Mouse dildo or two ...

David Fear, Nashville Scene

Epic. Maybe the post–Toy Story animated-movie renaissance has inflated our expectations, and we now expect a certain standard re: storytelling, characterization, sophistication, appealing to young and old, etc. But in a year of mondo crap-animation features (The Croods, Planes, Turbo), no long-form toon felt more like demographic pandering and cynical corporate buck-mongering than this hodgepodge of stock fantasy elements, lame comic relief, celebrity-voice miscasting, and generic moralizing than this Fox joint. Or, for that matter, made you feel so unclean that you needed to take a Silkwood shower afterward. 

Ed Gonzales, Slant

Blue Caprice. A superficial depiction of the Beltway sniper attacks, racist in its portentous style and denial of moral complexity.

Michael Koresky, Reverse Shot:

Only God Forgives: Oedipal "themes," Kubrickian pomposity, and a script that sounds like it was written by your annoying 12-year-old cousin who just started watching R-rated movies. More abject garbage from contemporary cinema's biggest trash peddler with delusions of grandeur.

Carrie Rickey,

Spring Breakers. My 17-year-old daughter said it best: "Pedophile porn."

Rene Rodriguez, Miami Herald

Grown Ups 2. Opened with a deer peeing on Adam Sandler and went downhill from there. You know you're in trouble when Taylor Lautner is the funniest member of an all-star cast of comedians, and he's only in the movie for five minutes.

Alynda Wheat, People

Frances Ha. Somehow, the irrepressible charm of the least-capable mammal in New York was lost on me. I dig Greta Gerwig, but Frances Ha is little more than an explication of how good it is to be blonde and cute when one lacks talent, focus, maturity, drive, accountability, problem-solving skills and an innate sense of self-preservation.

Vulture's Worst Movies of 2013

1. A Good Day to Die Hard

2. Grown-Ups 2

3. Movie 43

4. The Big Wedding

5. After Earth

6. The Lone Ranger

7. Only God Forgives

8. Oz the Great and Powerful

9. The Counselor

10. The Internship

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More: Best of 2013


  • Casey | January 5, 2014 5:20 PMReply

    Ironic that a writer for a trash rag like People Magazine would dare to call Frances Ha trash. Some of these picks are clearly people just trying to stir up hits on their sites. Though Vulture's list is understandable (even if I somewhat liked Only God Forgives, I can understand its detractors).

  • Francois | January 2, 2014 8:24 PMReply

    What a boring list. Have some courage behind your convictions.

  • Joe | January 1, 2014 7:04 PMReply

    Only God Forgives belongs on the opposite list. A masterpiece...

  • CRABBy angela | January 1, 2014 11:58 AMReply

    Spring Breakers is "pedophile porn? lol. I think we have differing definitions of pedophilia. Call it sexist, whatever, but I'm pretty sure all of those actresses were of age. Pedophiles everywhere thank you for muddying the issue.

  • bob hawk | January 3, 2014 8:58 AM

    Pedophilia is often mis-used. Actually, it's an attraction to pre-pubescent youth. Very different from "below the age of consent."

  • Ricky | January 2, 2014 1:04 PM

    Playing characters of age, as well.

  • Anya | December 31, 2013 5:58 PMReply

    I'm with Carrie Rickey and her daughter, my first reaction after watching Spring Breakers "This was made for creeps, right?!".

  • Michele | December 31, 2013 5:19 PMReply

    Sorry, but The Counselor was one of the year's best.

  • fvck | December 31, 2013 4:29 PMReply

    Only God Forgives' critique is idiotic

  • Liam | December 31, 2013 1:54 PMReply

    Pacific Rim... and Upstream Color. Very different films with a lot of potential and talented people behind the camera, and both over stylized borefests not worth their weight in popcorn.

  • Jordan | December 31, 2013 1:43 PMReply

    Wolf of Wall Street.

  • Fuck Carrie | December 31, 2013 1:29 PMReply

    Carrie Ricky and her daughter are retards, there's no sex in it and everyones in college aka over 18.

  • dennis | December 31, 2013 11:58 PM

    Wow, calling them "retards" really shows you have a comparatively mature p.o.v....

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