By Matt Singer | Criticwire February 6, 2013 at 11:23AM
VidCritz is Criticwire's home for interesting video essays and criticism. Because, really, who wants to read?
Why so glum and contemplative and shadowy in profile, Abraham Lincoln? Are you worried about your faltering Oscar campaign? Contemplating the possibility of spin-off "Star Wars" movies starring Watto or Jar Jar Binks? Did Steven Spielberg just ask you to appear as yourself in "Jurassic Park IV?" Oh I know: you saw the video below on NextMovie, where Oderus Urungus and Balsac The Jaws of Death of the band Gwar savagely review your movie, and complain it doesn't have enough boobs in it.
You might question Gwar's credentials as film critics; having seen them perform at South by Southwest once (where, as I recall, one of them wore an enormous demon penis and another sprayed assorted unidentified liquids at the audience), I might as well. But I have to admit: I kind of love Balsac's argument in favor of long movies:
"A lot of people are complaining nowadays that movies are too long. I think your bladders are too small! When I go to a movie, I want to get my money's worth. If I pay $12 I want to see 16 hours of epic amazingment."
Amen, Balsac the Jaws of Death. Amen. I am totally stealing your line. Please don't bite my head off with your enormous death helmet.
Read more of "Rocker Review: Gwar Reviews 'Lincoln.'"