Batman-vs-Superman-2016
Clay Enos ™ & © DC Comics

I’m about to give away the biggest spoiler imaginable regarding this multimillion dollar movie: it sucks. That’s not a word I usually employ but I can’t think of a better way to describe my reaction to the overblown, overlong, poorly written film awkwardly titled Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. It’s built on the foundation of a bad idea (pitting two larger-than-life superheroes against each other) and goes downhill from there.

My biggest complaint is that the brain trust behind Batman v Superman has managed to drain all the fun out of these characters and their world. I thought superhero movies were supposed to be fun.

I don’t even understand the premise, which has Bruce Wayne/ Batman blaming Superman for the cataclysm at the end of Zack Snyder’s previous movie…and spending the rest of the picture finding a way to destroy him. Affleck spends the entire film expressing one emotion: unrelenting anger.

Henry Cavill cuts a fine figure as Superman/Clark Kent but he too has little to work with. I was trying to figure out why he doesn’t “own” the role, as others like George Reeves and Christopher Reeve have in the past. Then I figured out the problem: writers Chris Terrio and David S. Goyer haven’t imbued him with any personality. It would take a superhuman actor to breathe life into such a two-dimensional part. And, as usual in a Christopher Nolan production, there is virtually no humor to be found…except in the dryly witty portrayal of Alfred by Jeremy Irons.

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Courtesy of Warner Bros. Pictures ™ & © DC Comics

I usually like Jesse Eisenberg but I found his portrayal of the psychopathic Lex Luthor to be utterly monotonous. There is no color, shading, or nuance: just one note over and over again. Other good actors, including Amy Adams, Laurence Fishburne, Diane Lane, Holly Hunter, Harry Lennix, and a blink-and-you’ll-miss-him Joe Morton are wasted as well.

I feel sorry for kids and families who will be sucked into seeing this blockbuster. Parents will have a hard time explaining the grimly dark, confusing story to their children. Don’t kids deserve to cheer for a superhero in this kind of movie? Director Zack Snyder and company don’t seem to think so.

My daughter just asked me if there was anything I did like about Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice and I had to answer, honestly: no.