100 Years, 100 Slices

by robbiefreeling
June 15, 2006 12:38 PM
5 Comments
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AFI Cuts It Up
Thursday, June 16, 2021, 4:00 PM ET

Last night, the American Film Institute unveiled its 34th list, choosing the one-hundred greatest movies ever made featuring genital mutilation. Never ones to be picky, the members of the AFI deemed both male and female parts fair game when it unveiled its 300 nominees earlier in the year, only to be whittled down to a nubbly one-hundred winners by further voting by the society’s extensive membership of actors, directors, screenwriters, mohels, critics, historians, and others. The list was assembled for, and broadcast on, the three-hour CBS special, AFI'S 100 Years...100 Slices, which opened the voting, for the first time, to international films. Says AFI president and former convicted child molester Victor Salva (Powder, Jeepers Creepers), “We just didn’t want to limit ourselves to films from the U.S. this year…there have simply been so many fine, fine films made from other corners of the planet featuring penises and vaginas being cut and hacked, how could we ignore them?”

In a controversial choice, first place went to Pier Paolo Pasolini’s Salo: or the 120 Days of Sodom, in a surprise upset over charming underdog The Piano Teacher by Michael Haneke, which finished a shocking twelfth. Haneke’s recent death by self-asphyxiation may have played a part in his poor showing. “It certainly didn’t win him any admirers!” chuckles voter Kirstie Alley. In a bold move, Ron Howard’s Lemon Party was a second place finisher, right ahead of Nagisa Oshima’s In the Realm of the Senses. Rounding out the top five were Ingmar Bergman’s Cries and Whispers and Barbet Schroeder’s Maitresse. “We really can’t believe we were even able to come up with one-hundred,” laughs Tom Hanks. “It really took some digging…and some soul-searching.” The ratings were poor for 100 Years, 100 Slices, as it was walloped in the Nielsens by FOX's Let’s Stare at a Red Dot and TV Land reruns of Joey. Last year’s 100 Years…100 Movies with Fat People in a Supporting Role averaged a slightly better 2.1 rating. Does this mean they’ll stop making these specials? “Hell no!” claims Salva, “I mean, we still have yet to feature any films directed by African-Americans, so we better keep going till we get there…somehow.”


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5 Comments

  • Mr. Mojo Rising | June 30, 2006 8:53 AMReply

    That was one of the most idiotic rants that I've ever read. Do you actually expect the AFI to ever, ever stoop so low as to include little-known controversial films, no matter how great or artistically beautiful, in their list? And that people like Tom Hanks and Kirstie Alley would actually watch something intelligent or meaningful? And that they would actually award far more deserving foreign films over home-grown, patriotic American films? Hell no! They're better than that! The AFI doesn't revel in controversy and grand artistic achievments, no matter how unpopular or challenging the films, like, say...The Oscars.

    And Fox will never become that interesting.

    PS: In case that was too subtle, I was being incredibly sarcastic.

  • Frank Black | June 20, 2006 12:23 PMReply

    Slicng up eyeballs...Ha ha ha hoa...I am UN CHEIN ANDALOU--sia

  • filmenthusiast2000 | June 19, 2006 6:45 AMReply

    I see someone has been honing his Photoshop chops. Color me impressed!

  • robbiefreeling | June 19, 2006 5:48 AMReply

    ...in all honesty, just that took me a frustrating 20 minutes.

  • Mark | June 15, 2006 12:56 PMReply

    What about The Fourth Man? Or do dream sequences not count?