"They do ordinary things! That's not why we go to the movies!"

With so many mainstream print critics losing their jobs, the question remains: Why can't the cretinous, film culture–killing TV critics join them? Here's old pro, and by all accounts worthless asshole Jeffrey Lyons (once, the "rational one" when paired with conservative hack Michael Medved back in the 90s) "reviewing," retching, whining, obnoxiously talking over his by-association genius co-host, and pitying himself for having to watch Flight of the Red Balloon. Incisive stuff here.

Now playing in a taxi near you...

Long story, but:

When I was a kid, I went to summer camp, and so did this kid named Robbie Solomon. One summer, we were about twelve, there was a whitewater rafting trip, and Robbie sat up in the front of the raft, near the guide. Robbie was a talker, and the whole trip, he was telling the guide about the river near his house where he and his family go canoeing, or ice-skating in the winter, he's been canoeing a bunch of times but this is the first time he's ever been whitewater rafting, the river he lives on is the fourth longest river in the state, he read on the board outside the boathouse that the river we're on right now is the fifth longest river in the state, and part of a state park, his older brother is a serious hiker, and the guide looks at him, finally, and says, "Robbie, it's time to shut up now." And Robbie says, "No it's not."

Anyway, every time I'm in the same screening room as Jeff Lyons, trying to read my press notes and being distracted by the nasal voice assulting his poor cohost or seatmate with his endless wealth of baseball triva -- did you know who has his name on the most awards plaques? who's the only person inducted into the Hall of Fame two different times? what's the real story behind The Curse of the Bambino, and what did Ruth really said about the Red Sox? -- I think of Robbie Solomon.

Jeff, it's time to shut up now.

The scary thing, Mark, is there's a whole new generation of dumb on the way. Just when you thought it was safe to turn off the TV, here comes Ben Lyons, Jeffrey's dullard son, who's already salivating to be the next Tom O'Neill. Don't say you weren't warned.

what's scary is that the idiocy doesn't skip a generation and now his son Ben who has the same taste in film is the "movie expert" at E!

oy.

ohhh you already said this! anyway, for more hilariously idiotic Jeff, you have to see his reaction to I'm Not There.

I'm sure his take on Haynes is a real winner (pick me a winner, Jeff!) But my fave reaction to I'm Not There is still Billy Bush (another Ben Lyons-like TV whore whose familial linkage is even more heinous), who after ANNOUNCING that Cate Blanchett won the Golden Globe for Best Supporting Actress, scoffed on live TV something like this, "I'm surprised she won...because at the end of the day, it's really just a woman playing a man."

Raise your hand if you'd like to see Billy Bush and Ben Lyons overrun with ancient Mayan "ruin" weeds...