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About That Popular 'Black Films Don't Sell ...Reality Check: 5 Things They Forgot To Tell You In Film School
You’re one of the chosen! That creative, colored being who attended, or is currently enrolled in film school, awash with dreams of giving Spielberg, James Cameron and (yikes!) Michael Bay a run for their box-office prowess. A few even aspire to be like Spike – pre-Miracle at St. Anna, of course.
As you wander(ed) the hallowed halls of AFI, NYU or USC – because the others really don’t matter much, as they repeatedly tell you at said film schools – you may have missed a few crucial pointers because your primary concern was/is, how the hell am I going to repay that eighty-thousand dollar student loan?
So, here are a few they might have conveniently forgotten to include in the curriculum.
YOU GOTTA HAVE FRIENDS – WHITE ONES
You don’t have to sleep with them, although some folks are certainly willing to turn that trick. But if you’re going to successfully navigate amongst the sharks that are waiting for new innocents to destroy, you’ll need to come well armed.
Like every other biz, life in H-wood is all about relationships – only more so – because they are quite insecure, and need to feel a certain level of comfort before they’ll even acknowledge your presence. So, unless you play golf at the country club and/or go to temple on the regular, you won’t find it easy to get an “in” – talent notwithstanding.
Plus, the sad truth is, a full century after the film business was created, Black folks in the industry can’t greenlight anything but their own bowel movement.
KEEP YOUR ISMS + PHOBIAS ON THE DL
You have “issues” with folks who are different from you. Yet, you want to be in showbiz, which is a haven for emotionally unbalanced, creative types – people who are sensitive, yet feel a need to act out, or make strange requests at any given moment.
So, if you are called to a meeting with a forty-year old man wearing booty shorts, a Ubangi lip disc and leopard skin combat boots, take a deep breath and remind yourself (repeatedly and silently) that you need the money to make your film – freak be damned!
And if one of these needy creatures invades your space with an ill-placed hand (could be worse!), simply back away slowly from the chaise lounge, and make it clear you’re not game with a nice-tempered “no thanks” or “homie don’t play that” or whatever works for you. An explosive, soap-opera moment will create a big stink and land you on the ca-ca list.
After all, many of those in a position to exploit have become accustomed to ambitious young, and not so young’uns who are “sexi-flexible” – justifying behavior they may find personally reprehensible, in return for a favor. You’d be surprised how many boys and girls are willing to trade their morals for a small check. If their mama only knew!
THE FILM BIZ IS NOT A CHARITY
Oh, you may have bright dreams of channeling your inner Frantz Fanon onto the big screen. Or, really rile up the crowd with your hip-hop response to Birth of a Nation, yo! Which you are free to do, but not with money from the major studios or production companies. Ain’t happening!
Spoiler alert: the biz is not there to help you fulfill your Black potential. It is only interested in making green – tons of it. Nothing else matters.
So, put the freeze on your high-falutin’, low-concept projects. Think beer swilling, pot-bellied, burping, farting, crackerjack eatin’ clientele – and sit on your misguided expectations as you wrack your brain trying to pitch something that will sell.
Then, and only then, will the moneybags consider cracking open their checkbook.
YOUR BEST SHOWBIZ CONNECTION
A drug dealer. Just keepin’ it real!
Think about it, y’all. Who else has direct access to so many people, who know people? Who else can deliver some blow and smoke and slip in a script or a funding request at the same time? Who’s in a better blackmail power-play position? Jackpot!
You can move right past the rubes who spend a small fortune submitting to festivals. You’ll never need to hang out in lobbies trying to accost some junior exec who prefers gazing at his Crackberry, to giving you a scant second.
Cause no matter how self-important the powers that be are, there’s always time for the devil, er, dealer. So, pray long and hard and decide if you’re willing to sink to that level, in order to rise to the top. You can pay the price later. If you ever make it.
THEY DON’T KNOW ISH
Somewhere between the lectures, the shoots and the screenings, some brave soul may have been kind enough to share screenwriter William Goldman’s little gem with you -- “nobody knows anything”. That’s the best advice you’ll ever get about the biz.
Despite the edicts, lies and manipulation that masquerade as reality, the truth is, industry folks bluff their way through the maze on a daily basis without much thought about how it affects anything but their bottom line. It’s all smoke and mirrors, baby!
So, keep this fact in the forefront as you tilt your ambition towards the glow on the far horizon. It could well be the shine of impending success – or the spark of naiveté that lures so many to a pitiful life of boozing and bitterness.
BONUS POINTER: 4%
That is the scary number of those that actually make it big (dropped like a bomb by a jaded professor at one of those over-priced film schools). Think about all your classmates that have done something significant in the biz. Shouldn’t take too long.
That’s a wrap!
16 Comments
Stars | March 26, 2012 4:24 PM
Humorously pessimistic. But Tyler Perry can greenlight stuff outside the Hollywood machine with a few inside distribution connect boosters. I know TP is a blasphemy on this site but It's he and TD Jakes who can make the films they want even in spite of box office biz reciepts - it's a God thing. I know ...it's infuriating to think about these two but if I have to go and get a check to invest in my amorally-edgy-socially-conscious-ode-to-spike lee flick from a forty-year old man wearing booty shorts, a Ubangi lip disc and leopard skin combat boots or a drug dealer/devil ( your words not mine) then I can use TP or TD as a standard as well. I'd have a much better chance at keeping my right mind and dignity in tact despite what you all think. Plus what you described in this article is NOT the only way to make it in the biz. I know I know you'll never believe that but God is another thing. Whoops I brought religion into this blasphemy again sorry. LOL See ya on the red carpet
Donella | March 24, 2012 3:17 PM
Fascinating. :-)
FilmGuy | March 24, 2012 3:16 AM
As someone who went to film school, I can say that there is some truth to a couple of these, but after dropping so much money on essentially an overview of filmmaking, I can say this --black people must come to the realization that just about nothing in this country -- save for prisons -- has been designed with us in mind. Therefore, it isn't the white industry's responsibility to put out black movies. We keep looking for a benevolent master to recognize us as a 'good one' when just being alive makes us worthy of telling and appreciating our own stories. Look at Nigeria -- though not too closely at technical quality -- but their films are made by them, for them, and they're making money. Now imagine if all of us black film school graduates, who are more technically trained in polished film aesthetics, could work together to form companies that would write, direct, distribute and award our own films. We have to control our own images!!! And not in some kind of antagonistic response to whites either. Let us watch them. Imitate them and learn what it takes to makes successful companies. Let us learn all we can and do for ourselves what we have erroneously been looking for them to do for us. We must also admit that we are a stubborn people who have the ability to hold fast to ideas that we believe in. Which when the ideas are helpful to us, that stubbornness is a virtue. Look how long Egypt lasted. That was great. But now the ideas that we're holding on to are that of the dependent slave. As religious as the Black American population is, I have seldom visited a black church that even housed an image of a black Christ. You think it's not important? It is. Any filmmaker could tell you that these images go directly to the subconscious and it has poisoned us into viewing them as our saviors. We must control our own images!!! Just walk around your neighborhood and see how many black images (posters, photos, billboards, magazines, etc) you see that make you proud, confident and reminds you of who you are in this world. I found none. But I did see crime alert flyers, AIDS prevention billboards and pictures of a dead boy killed for wearing a hoodie. We must control our images!!!
Macuffin | March 23, 2012 4:05 PM
I realize this article is an attempt at humor, but it is truly of no value to a film student seriously trying to break into the business, and was clearly written by someone with no actual experience working in the Hollywood creative trenches. Total waste of space in my opinion.
sandra | March 23, 2012 3:03 PM
Loving the infusion of humor in these articles and loving the biting satirical tone as well. Good work. I'm doing my best to be in a position (2012) to greenlight more than just my "bowel movements"! HAHAHHA
JMac | March 23, 2012 2:41 PM
These articles have to be complete jokes. I can't believe anyone would take these suggestions seriously.
urbanauteur | March 23, 2012 12:42 PM
Good,Good Stuff...;-)
adrian | March 23, 2012 12:39 PM
disagree with the 4%,
yes maybe at the oscars. but if you expand your pallete, and go foriegn, or go micro budget, You' ll see there's room for you. Just gotta find that unrepresented niche. look at Putty Hill.
Moon | March 23, 2012 12:33 PM
I like how you didn't mention Columbia's film school as one that mattered. I wish that was a wake up call for them (or should I say us...since I went there).
Ash | March 23, 2012 11:48 AM
These are actually really good points. Especially, the one about the drug dealer. I'm not an actress but after reading so many blind gossip items for so long about the biz it actually seems like knowing when and who to sleep with certain people actually might work sometimes. Then again, sometimes it doesn't and you just slept with some gross freak for nothing. The film biz seems quite dark and depressing actually...
BRAKK | March 23, 2012 11:47 AM
This is reality Talk... be ready for war with them fools
lil nut | March 23, 2012 11:28 AM
excellent!