By Christopher Campbell | Spout September 8, 2008 at 2:09AM
Last Friday, before conspiracy theorists were questioning who actually birthed newborn Trig Palin, and long before it was announced that Bristol Palin is a (first time?) teen mom-to-be, I was innocently thinking of the more simple Sarah Palin movie. The one that goes sorta like "The Contender,", except that in this case the nude photos, which may or may not be of the female VP candidate, are pageant-related rather than a remnant of sorority hazing.
Now, of course, despite the gossip blogs' wet dream that there are indeed scandalous photos out there of the former Miss Alaska runner-up, the movie goes a little more like "Juno" -- or, as many a site has effortlessly pictured it, "Juneau." Either way, both "The Contender"'s Joan Allen and "Juno" mom Allison Janney could easily pull off the role of Sarah Palin, but I've got my heart set on someone else for the part. And I've gone ahead and cast the rest of the movie, too (see below). But feel free to comment below with your own choices for each of the cast.
Sandra Bullock as Sarah Palin
While the obvious lookalike is Tina Fey, let’s just assume that Lorne Michaels has already phoned the "30 Rock" star and begged her to guest appear on "Saturday Night Live" for the couple months leading up to the election (and beyond if McCain/Palin win). I’ve also seen suggestions for Mariska Hargitay (another decent lookalike), Megan Mullaly, Nia Vardalos and Julia Louis-Dreyfus. But I’m going with Bullock, and not only because of the "Miss Congeniality" factor. Or even that she’s exactly the right age (so is Hargitay). Bullock and Palin share a few similar features, too, yet the major factor in my choice is that this is Palin’s story, and she needs a relatively A-list name to play her.
Paul Simon as John McCain
I have to give my brother credit for this one, as he apparently has always thought McCain looks like the singer-songwriter. My best idea was to cast Bruce Willis and age him to look 20 years older. The best thing about Simon, who I’ve always wished had acted more, is that he’s actually a lot shorter than McCain and will caricaturize the idea that the Republican presidential candidate always looks rather stubby.
Miley Cyrus as Bristol Palin
If resemblance was key, I’d go more with Amanda Bynes or maybe "7th Heaven"’s Beverley Mitchell. But I’m instead choosing “Hannah Montana”, because she’s appropriately scandal-prone. And she’d get the young girls into the audience for whatever message the film intends. Plus, I think there’s a rule that all teen actresses have to star in some sort of young pregnancy movie sooner or later, and this would surely be the most high profile of the sort.
Chris Isaak as Todd Palin
As long as we’ve already got Simon and Cyrus, why not add some more musical people to the ensemble? Maybe the movie can even be a musical? While I think Miley’s father, Billy Ray Cyrus, could pass as the First Gentleman of Alaska, there’s just too many people out there who’d get the icky feeling that Todd Palin is actually the father of Bristol’s kid. So, here’s Chris Isaak, who could probably look enough like the guy if he grew a goatee. Another contender, if you’re a fan of "Speed" and "The Lake House," is Keanu Reeves, but my first choice is actually either 20-years-ago Fred Ward or 20-years-ago Patrick Duffy.
Unknown as Levi Johnston
In the musical version that’s also geared toward young audiences, Bristol Palin’s reluctant baby daddy would be played by one of the Jonas Brothers. But it’s so common for teen boy roles to be cast with newcomers that I figure the kid would be played instead by a relative unknown. I know it’s a bit of a cop out, especially since I’m really unfamiliar with today’s young heartthrobs, but just look at all the Channing Tatums, Chad Michael Murrays, etc. that pop up every year. Wait, maybe I am familiar enough with today’s teens. Can I change my mind to a now-badass-looking Frankie Muniz?
Jon Heder as Markos Moulitsas
The "Napoleon Dynamite" actor doesn’t exactly look like the Daily Kos founder, but my dream picks, Adam Baldwin ("Firefly"; "Chuck") and John Francis Daley ("Freaks and Geeks">; "Bones"), are respectively too old and too young. Anyway, as the political blogger whose site broke the rumor of Palin’s fake pregnancy, which led to the announcement of Bristol’s actual pregnancy, Heder would finally play a much needed serious role. Plus, ‘Kos’ is probably as annoying to many Republicans as Napoleon Dynamite is to me.
Bokeem Woodbine as Barack Obama and John Terry as Joe Biden
TV supporting players Woodbine ("Saving Grace") and Terry ("Lost") would round out the main cast, save for the rest of the Biden clan, who will be played by random child actors, and Fred Thompson and Paris Hilton, who will appear as themselves. Cindy McCain will be played by Joan Allen (she deserves to be in here somewhere) and Joe Lieberman will of course be played by Deputy Dog.
Due to this post being restored from an old version of the site, we have decided to add the original comments into the post itself:
I think Tina Fey should be Sarah Palin. And Shawn Hatosy has to be Levi Johnston
I would vote Joshua Jackson for the role of Levi Johnston. Or at least Charlie from The Mights Ducks if we could go back in time.
Have you never seen Battlestar Galactica?! Michael Hogan, who plays Col. Tigh was born to play John McCain.
And I’ve been saying for 4 years now that Harry Lennix (he was in the Matrix sequels as well as one of the last couple of seasons of 24) needs to play Obama. Bokeem Woodbine looks NOTHING like Obama.
But that’s quite inspired casting for Biden.
Heder would play a perfect Kos.
Miley Cyrus as Brisol…
You know it has to be Tonie Perensky better known as Miss Davis of Varsity Blues that ought to plan Palin…no other.
This is what I received today. I know my Palin gut feelings may not be yours, but I also know you could not survive
with censorship. You decide. Barry
I am a resident of Wasilla, Alaska. I have known Sarah since 1992.
Everyone here knows Sarah, so it is nothing special to say we are on a
first-name basis. Our children have attended the same schools. Her
father was my child’s favorite substitute teacher. I also am on a
first name basis with her parents and mother-in-law. I attended more
City Council meetings during her administration than about 99% of the
residents of the city.
So many people have asked me about what I know about Sarah Palin in the
last 2 days that I decided to write something up . . .
You have my permission to forward this to your friends/email contacts
with my name and email address attached, but please do not post it on
any websites, as there are too many kooks out there . . .
While Sarah was Mayor of Wasilla she tried to fire our highly respected
City Librarian because the Librarian refused to consider removing from
the library some books that Sarah wanted removed. City residents
rallied to the defense of the City Librarian and against Palin’s
attempt at out-and-out censorship, so Palin backed down and withdrew
her termination letter. People who fought her attempt to oust the
Librarian are on her enemies list to this day.
WHY AM I WRITING THIS?
First, I have long believed in the importance of being an informed
voter. I am a voter registrar. For 10 years I put on student voting
programs in the schools. If you google my name (Anne Kilkenny +
Alaska), you will find references to my participation in local
government, education, and PTA/parent organizations.
Secondly, I’ve always operated in the belief that “Bad things happen
when good people stay silent”. Few people know as much as I do because
few have gone to as many City Council meetings.
Third, I am just a housewife. I don’t have a job she can bump me out
of. I don’t belong to any organization that she can hurt. But, I am no
fool; she is immensely popular here, and it is likely that this will
cost me somehow in the future: that’s life.
Fourth, she has hated me since back in 1996, when I was one of the 100
or so people who rallied to support the City Librarian against Sarah’s
attempt at censorship.
Fifth, I looked around and realized that everybody else was afraid to
say anything because they were somehow vulnerable.
August 31, 2008
You’re insane if you don’t see Tina Fey (for TV) or Gina Gershon (for the silver screen) as Palin. That’s all.