By Christopher Campbell | Spout July 28, 2010 at 10:00AM
Thanks to the Internet, we've seen plenty of fake posters and trailers for non-existent sequels to James Cameron's "Titanic" (happy belated 100th birthday to Gloria Stuart, by the way). Now thanks to the existence of The Asylum, the production company that brought us "Transmorphers," "The Da Vinci Treasure" and "Snakes on a Train," we have the chance to see an actual film called "Titanic II." Of course, it's not officially linked to the 1997 blockbuster as a sequel or otherwise. The title actually refers to the name of a new ocean liner that's been built to honor the original ship and will make its maiden voyage on the 100th anniversary of the Titanic's tragic one and only trip.
Of course the iceberg strikes again. This could easily be construed as a pro-environmentalism subtext, as in the icebergs are angry at us for making them melt. Or, it could be a defense for the non-believers, who could use this movie as evidence that the earth is unchanged from the way it was back in 1912! But then they'd be employing a fictional movie for their argument. Of course, that's what they say about the crusaders and all their global warming docs and environmentalism-themed disaster flicks. Like most sequels, this has a second villain: a tsunami. So it's also just kind of another remake of "The Poseidon Adventure"?
Is "Titanic II" in bad taste? Not really any more than is 20th Century Fox and Paramount's idea to re-release "Titanic" in 3D in April 2012, on the centennial anniversary of the tragedy.
Here's the trailer:
Here is what the blogs are saying about "Titanic II" at the ol' water cooler:
You could just as easily assume the ship runs violently aground on dialogue like, “Let’s make history!” and “Looks like history is repeating itself!” Whatever — it’s still better than anything James Cameron wrote in 1997. What it really needs is a love theme… any recommendations?
You'll never guess what happens, unless you were given one single guess.
It stars Bruce Davison, Brooke Burns and Dick Van Dyke's son, Shane Van Dyke, who actually also wrote and directed this future drinking game of a movie.
Yes, this trailer actually contains the line, "It looks like history is repeating itself." Genius.
The modern day-set film does boast a couple of famous faces — Hey there, Bruce Davison! How’s it hanging, Brooke Burns? — and what appears to be a comparatively generous budget. (The comparison I’m making here is with Asylum’s previous output, rather than the original Titanic. I’m guessing the budget for Titanic II would barely have covered the amount Cameron spent on authentic-looking ship’s barf bags.)
The very idea that anyone would attempt to make such a film would have to be the crassest, most shameless cash-in artists in the business. In other words, you’d have to be The Asylum, home to other “mockbusters” like Snakes On A Train and Transmorphers and now the proud parents of Titanic II.
Maybe the film's star Bruce Davison, (a respectable actor, btw) will time-travel back to the original Titanic and use some futuristic space gizmo to take control of Giant Octopus to have him knock that nasty iceberg out of the way. However, they would eventually find out that the iceberg was actually an undercover alien that was sent to Earth disguised as an iceberg in a Terminator-like quest to kill Leonardo DiCaprio's character, who was destined to stop an invasion in the future.
After watching this trailer numerous times, we’ve got a few pressing questions though…
-Is there a “Heart of the Ocean” necklace in this movie too? Or is it something more modest this time, like a cubic zirconia ring from Claire’s?
-Does anyone from the original make a cameo? Billy Zane, perhaps?
-Like the original Titanic, will this movie also be re-released in 3D? We certainly hope so.
Obviously, this movie (which is REAL) is going to be OVERFLOWING (get it?) with Memorable Quotes, many of which didn’t make it into the trailer (not to mention, you don’t just give the Memorable Quotes away, they have to be earned). Here are a few that I definitely didn’t just make up at all:
* “Welcome onto the Titanic.”
* “This isn’t a floating boat. It’s a floating coffin.”
* “I’m sorry, ma’am, we don’t serve Diet Red Bull on this ship. May I offer you a vodka and regular Red Bull?”
* “Iceberg II!”
* “I’m Twittering from the top of the worlllld! — sent via TweetDeck at 6:45PM.”
* “You blow me first, BEFORE the jaccuzzi. THEN the midnight buffet.”
* “Get me Bourne.”
You can pick up your copy of "Titanic II" on August 24.