They saw "Valentine's Day" so you don't have to:
"Yes, yes, we’ll always have Marshall’s Happy Days and Laverne & Shirley, even Pretty Woman, a film that has aged as poorly as I imagine your average Hollywood Boulevard hooker does – those not rescued by a pinstriped Prince Charming, that is. But what has Marshall done for us in the 20 years since? Raising Helen. The Other Sister. Exit to Eden. Valentine’s Day never embarrasses in the way those film do, but that’s not much of a recommendation, is it?" - Kimberley Jones, Austin Chronicle
"The absence of performers who hold the screen with beauty and the mystery of their personality partly accounts for why “Valentine’s Day” comes across like bad television, specifically an extended (and interwined) episode of “Love, American Style,” the anthology show (1969-74) that paved the way for the ensemble likes of “The Love Boat.” “Valentine’s Day” might have a more recognizable cast than an average episode of “Love, American Style,” but it’s grim grim grim. This might not be the Titanic of romantic comedies (it’s tugboat size), but it’s a disaster: cynically made, barely directed, terribly written. But quick: there’s still time to escape!" - Manohla Dargis, The New York Times
"I'm saying that a Garry Marshall movie has to be funny in order to be anything at all, and this one is so deeply involved with its pseudo-meaningful roundelay of beautiful but inexplicably lovelorn people as to be teeth-grindingly, mind-warpingly boring." - Andrew O'Hehir, Salon
"Some of us won't. What? You think these overpaid actors did it for their art. Or, my favorite feeble excuse for selling out, "I want to make people feel good in a feel bad world." Ah, people! There's nothing wrong with lifting spirits, except Valentine's Day has all the heart of a two-dollar-whore. Nothing in this cold-blooded exercise in comic calculation feels human." Peter Travers, Rolling Stone
"Haphazardly toss in 15 more subplots, half a dozen wacky canine-reaction shots, a wall-to-wall soundtrack of romantic golden oldies, and an adorable young moppet who just wants to have flowers delivered to the girl of his dreams, and you have a fluffy soufflé of shameless sentiment and sitcom wackiness executed with the kind of flailing desperation that’s generally accompanied by an overactive laugh track. Valentine’s Day looks like Marshall’s director’s magnum opus of pandering schlock. Decades into his career, he’s finally achieved his lifelong dream of roping half of Hollywood into helping him make an unofficial cinematic adaptation of Love, American Style." - Nathan Rabin The A.C. Club
"Valentine's Day's rote episodic construction reduces each of its couplings to a couple of shopworn money shots, flattening any potential for their chemistry or our vicarious pleasure. Shoddy enough within its primary genre, Valentine's Day becomes deadly in its attempt to be a Los Angeles Ensemble Movie, in which divine coincidence rules the day as archetypes from different walks of life (including invariably wise ethnic stereotypes) intersect, and overhead shots of a freeway interchange drive the point home. Think of it as the Crash of romance, the Short Cuts of bullshit." - Karina Longworth, Village Voice
"Honestly, there's no way a reasonable viewer should be expected to keep straight the plot of a movie with 23 significant characters and (allowing for overlap) somewhere between 10 and a dozen independent storylines. Just know this: Over the course of one Valentine's Day in Los Angeles—a holiday that, in this movie's universe, holds the sacramental significance of its ancient Roman ancestor Lupercalia—a whole bunch of name-brand movie stars, and some other people who closely resemble them, cavort, make mistakes, and eventually fall—or fall back, or confirm that they have always been—in love." - Dana Stevens, Slate
"There are about five shots of dogs, at least 20 times as many shots of flowers, and some of the worst acting by a child you’ll see. All the pink on screen will inspire thoughts of carnations or Pepto Bismol. Greeting cards belch Otis Redding songs, and Swift drags a giant stuffed bear through all her scenes.
For those who prefer their romantic comedy in bulk, this is a steal. But attention Costco shoppers: Quantity here runs a distant second to quality. Which is not to say there’s no savings. This is many lousy movies for the price of one." - Wesley Morris, The Boston Globe
"In your typical subpar Hollywood romcom, there’s only one tedious love story to put up with. Well, Valentine’s Day (such a clever title) does a whole lot better than that: It offers 10 tedious love stories to put up with. Now, don’t hold me to that exact head count. Never much on estimating crowd sizes, I could be off by an amorous couple or three. Which reminds me. Since 10 yarns necessitates 20 performers, pretty much every romantic lead in the biz appears in this flick. So, for purposes of identification, it might be easier simply to mention who isn’t in it. Far as I can tell, Hugh Grant isn’t. Neither, I think, is Jennifer Aniston." - Rick Groen, The Globe and Mail
"Valentine's Day is being marketed as a Date Movie. I think it's more of a First-Date Movie. If your date likes it, do NOT date that person again. And if you like it, there may not be a second date." - Roger Ebert, The Chicago Sun-Times
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