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5 Stars Who Could Be In The Running To Play Tom Cruise's Next Wife

Features
by The Playlist Staff
July 2, 2012 10:20 AM
54 Comments
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Kate Mara
Why She Could Do It: While less well-known than some of these names, Mara was in the running to play Catwoman in "The Dark Knight Rises," so has experience with this kind of secretive, high-profile casting run-off. Plus she shares DNA with sister Rooney Mara, who's already won out one of the most competitive races in recent memory, landing the lead in "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo." Also has roughly the same name as Holmes, which makes it easier for Cruise to remember who he's supposed to namecheck while jumping on sofas.
Why She Might Not: Once dated McG. That's got to be a hard thing for any future boyfriends to come to terms with.

Elisabeth Moss
Why She Could Do It: Like Holmes, the star of "The West Wing" and "Mad Men" started in TV, but is making increasing inroads into the movie world. Crucially, she's also already a Scientologist, so is familiar with the religion's quirky customs like not making sounds during during childbirth, and being imprisoned on cruise ships. Peggy Olsen quitting Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce may have been an early hint of where Olsen's career was heading.
Why She Might Not: She criticized ex-husband Fred Armisen, saying "He's so great at doing impersonations. But the greatest impersonation he does is that of a normal person." This worryingly suggests an outspoken quality, and also ability to determine when an actor is pretending to be a normal person.

Joaquin Phoenix
Why He Could Do It: As shown in the gonzo mock-doc "I'm Still Here," he has prior experience of leading a fake life and going into semi-retirement. He recently worked with previous Cruise collaborator Paul Thomas Anderson on "The Master," so an introduction should be easy to arrange, and that film revolves around Scientology, so he should know what he'd be getting into. Also, is a man.
Why He Might Not: Nope, can't really see a problem with this one.

Honorable Mentions: Recent Cruise co-stars include Paula Patton, Julianne Hough, Malin Akerman, Cameron Diaz, Rosamund Pike, Andrea Riseborough, Olga Kurylenko and Melissa Leo (who is more age-appropriate than others, which persumably rules her out), and any of them might be wooed for a return engagement. Meanwhile Jessica Chastain, Hayley Atwell and Alexa Davalos were all in the running for parts in recent Cruise movies, and Emily Blunt is starring with the actor in "All You Need Is Kill," so she should probably be on her guard.

Scarlett Johansson was in the running for the gig before Katie Holmes got it: the actress seemingly rejected Scientology at the time, but may be more open to these days. Elizabeth Olsen would ordinarily be a good choice, but showed that she's capable of escaping from weird communes in "Martha Marcy May Marlene." Oh, and Vanessa Paradis is available these days too. Plus one of the Fannings is legal now, right?

- With thanks to RP, Kevin Jagernauth and Jessica Kiang

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54 Comments

  • Starlet | July 19, 2012 4:02 AMReply

    Well, Jennifer Lopez is a devoted scientologist, her dad has been a scientologist for over 20 years.
    David Miscavige (leader of the church of scientology and Tom cruise's pimp) has guided and helped Jennifer Lopez to divorce Marc Anthony. David Miscavige controls Tom's life as his man-wife and he would only want a "wife" (only for PR reason) that he (david) can control too. I believe Jennifer Lopez is a great prospect.

  • Starlet | July 19, 2012 3:58 AMReply

    As an ex-church of scientology member, in 2004-2005 I personally witness set
    ups/ pimping by David Miscavige for his "man-wife" Tom Cruise. David Miscavige
    ordered all the orgs across the planet to find Scientologist beautiful girls
    20-25 years old for a "special project". Yolanda Pecoraro, 19 years old,
    parishioner at CCI (celebrity center international-LA) was set up with Tom, date
    him for about 4 weeks, accompanies him to IAS event :
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uTKxtMGcvAY , Yolanda is wearing pink long
    dress in this clip and standing between Tom Cruise and Mary Lee (Tom's mom).
    Towards her last 2 weeks of relationship with Tom Cruise, David Miscavige was
    pimping for another girl for Tom Cruise. They found a gorgeous brunette, 25
    years old, squeaky clean, scientology parishioner whom they did a thorough
    investigation on her while keeping her at Celebrity Center-LA.
    In the meantime, removed Yolanda, silenced her by having Tom Cruise buy her full
    Scientology Bridge/training and some major Counseling/auditing at CCI-LA.
    Yolanda and her whole family are Scietologists and have signed "confidential
    bond" to keep secrecy and never expose the truth to any Scientologists or media,
    otherwise they will be declared Suppressive"SP".

  • yiiopy | July 7, 2012 12:57 AMReply

    and by the way miss mara doesn't need it there's enough inher plate

  • yiiopy | July 7, 2012 12:53 AMReply

    Kristen Stewart would be perfec and camille belle

  • bob hawk | July 5, 2012 1:35 AMReply

    A new low mark for Playlist. This "staff"-written piece (what, nobody wants to take individual credit for this?) isn't funny because it isn't smart enough to realize that at least half of the women mentioned are waaay too intelligent and proud to take on and fake a role that has become a bit worn around the edges and isn't fooling most people anymore. Some of them also have a genuine and healthy sense of humor, which would not render them as very good candidates for subscribing to Scientology.

    Cruise, who IS a talented actor, should focus on that and -- if he must marry again -- pick a non-actress, non-celebrity. And Playlist should stop insulting so many actresses managing to earn a good living in their chosen profession -- some of whom also have hot, age-appropriate boy friends .

  • bob hawk | July 7, 2012 3:14 AM

    Zack: No, I actually did get it (Joaquin Phoenix???!!!) . And my post was actually a joke on your (or y'all's) joke. Notice how I used rather hyperbolic language, as if you had named a much larger group of women ("at least half"/"some of them"/"so many actresses"). You only named four women, and I was mainly really admiring/complimenting one of them, while dissing another -- and also commenting on some of the previous posters who took it seriously. The three things I am serious about is (1) we're thankfully entering a new era where some actors (and certain news persons and athletes) feel free to be out and not fear for their careers, partly because they know the tide is turning as their future audiences grow up in an internet age where they are able to access many different examples of and views on what used to be a forbidden, hidden world -- (2) the (I hope) growing awareness of just what an insidious thing Scientology has been for many years. When I was working Off-Broadway in the Sixties there were a number of promising young -- and gay -- actors who, concerned about their careers, got into Scientology to "cure"/"clear" their homosexuality. Most were never heard of again; disciples tended to become indentured, unless they were super rich. Some of those who did re-surface had basically lost their edge and were never able to resuscitate their careers -- and (3) that Tom Cruise, in spite of his bizarre episodes with Oprah, Matt Lauer, et al, can still deliver as an actor and "star." There's a kind of sad dichotomy there, but he's certainly fair game for the Playlist treatment above.

  • LOl | July 6, 2012 2:03 PM

    You totally missed the joke, didn't you.Z

  • Lacey | July 4, 2012 1:08 AMReply

    hahaha! thanks for the laugh....i'm sure the brainwashtologists are lining up the latest Stepford wife to keep Cruise in check.

  • Shannon | July 3, 2012 7:28 AMReply

    Hopefully all these ladies have enough common sense to stay away from Cruise...But I bet he will take another wife. He is always going to try to use his love life and spouse to boost his career.

  • lenij | July 3, 2012 4:32 AMReply

    Joaquin Phoenix, that's a good one. lol.

  • Micah | July 3, 2012 2:24 AMReply

    This article was hilarious. I wonder if Scientologists will be trolling every unflattering article on Tom Cruise.

  • Tom Cruise | July 2, 2012 10:34 PMReply

    mmm...Joaquin....mmmm

  • J. Travolta | July 2, 2012 10:35 PM

    Go for it tommy boy! lets have a manwich!

  • Sam | July 2, 2012 5:46 PMReply

    seriously playlist, your better than this!

  • xenu | July 6, 2012 1:30 PM

    "you're"....

  • ryan | July 2, 2012 4:41 PMReply

    what an awful article :(

  • Haha | July 2, 2012 2:57 PMReply

    Kristen Stewart would be perfect. She is a closeted lesbian and already looks miserable all the time. No one would notice the brainwashing.

  • Knative | July 2, 2012 2:45 PMReply

    I think Camilla Belle is a good choice. She's really attractive and young, so she'd look good on his arm. Her career is failing, plus, she already has experience dating a supposedly closeted gay man (a Jonas brother).

  • Kim | July 2, 2012 2:37 PMReply

    That's really funny because that's what I was thinking as soon as I heard they were getting a divorce. I was like "so another casting list? Who this time? Are the Olsen twins or their sister too old?"

  • Butthurt Commenters | July 2, 2012 2:27 PMReply

    So much butthurt in here.

  • hank | July 2, 2012 1:22 PMReply

    if they didn't think it was funny, they must be a Scientologist.

  • James | July 2, 2012 1:13 PMReply

    Hilarious. If you're pissing off this many Scientologist trolls, you're clearly doing something right:) Keep it up!

  • Swell | July 2, 2012 1:01 PMReply

    Playlist is completely oblivious as to its site's strengths and weaknesses. I had hoped that they had just recently turned a corner, but I guess there is no alchemy strong enough to make douches anything but douches. I guess the search is on for a new bookmark.

  • Miranda | July 2, 2012 12:50 PMReply

    Incredibly dumb and sexist. Keep scraping the bottom of the barrel for hits.

  • Zack | July 2, 2012 1:33 PM

    Not seeing the sexism, unless you're equating Tom Cruise with a woman, which is problematic in its own right.

  • Junebug | July 2, 2012 12:32 PMReply

    Julianna Hough or Blake Lively. They are the only two young and dumb enough to sigh a new contract.
    Thanks for the laugh!

  • Gabe NotToro | July 2, 2012 12:30 PMReply

    Tremendous. An uncommonly successful Playlist comedy article.

  • Kate | July 2, 2012 12:01 PMReply

    This is absolute gold. Thanks for the laugh!

  • Maude | July 2, 2012 11:48 AMReply

    No starlet in recent times has seemed to be more deseperate for fame than Blaka Lively and she already "dated" Dicaprio. She gets my vote.

  • Alex | July 2, 2012 11:29 AMReply

    So funny. What about Mila Kunis? As soon as her fake PR hookup with Kutcher is over. Hollywood, that place. Gotta love'em.

  • kitcon | July 2, 2012 11:25 AMReply

    You had your beers and 4th celebration a few day early.

  • Zack | July 2, 2012 11:24 AMReply

    Dear commenters who are totally not Tom Cruise sockpuppets,
    If you can't handle celebrities being made fun of, maybe the Internet is not for you.

  • amazing | July 2, 2012 11:21 AMReply

    LOL

  • arnaud | July 2, 2012 11:11 AMReply

    So unfunny...I tickled my armpits and it was still unfunny.

  • BobMann | July 2, 2012 11:09 AMReply

    Best thing I've read all day.

  • Lizzy | July 2, 2012 11:04 AMReply

    Best way to start my morning. Well said, Playlist, well said. Can't wait for the callback list.

  • AHHNOLD | July 2, 2012 10:59 AMReply

    Wow epic fail bet you think you are a real comedian eh?

  • Zack | July 2, 2012 11:50 AM

    Not sure if high school teacher or mall security guard.

  • lourdes | July 2, 2012 11:12 AM

    Agreed. Pathetic.

  • Sandra | July 2, 2012 10:54 AMReply

    Amazing list. I choose Joaquin for obvious reasons.

  • Wilby Daniels | July 2, 2012 10:53 AMReply

    Really? I'm the first to say John Travolta? I thought I would be like the tenth.

  • DG | July 2, 2012 10:50 AMReply

    Its all fun and games until Scientology assassins snipe out Katie Holmes

  • easy company | July 2, 2012 10:46 AMReply

    wow,wow,wow.this was sad,low,pathetic,boring and unfunny even for playlist.

  • M | July 2, 2012 11:51 AM

    WOW. Scientologists don't have a great sense of humour.

  • STOP IT NOW | July 2, 2012 11:50 AM

    @ZACK SHUT THE WHOLE SITE DOWN!

  • Zack | July 2, 2012 11:46 AM

    BUSTED, Playlist. A guy named FartingBob doesn't think you're funny. Might as well commit mass suicide.

  • fartingbob | July 2, 2012 11:13 AM

    DITTO!

  • Mitchell | July 2, 2012 10:45 AMReply

    Classy.

  • Consider | July 2, 2012 10:39 AMReply

    It's obviously going to be Julianne Hough. Sorry Ryan Seacrest, Juli's in for an upgrade.

  • jimbo | July 2, 2012 10:37 AMReply

    best indiewire article. possibly ever

  • Jorge | July 2, 2012 10:48 AM

    I couldn't agree more..ahahaha

  • sam | July 2, 2012 10:33 AMReply

    you're assholes. seriously. and i'm not even a Cruise fan.
    kept looking for the punchline.

  • Tiff | July 2, 2012 10:39 AM

    I agree.

  • Statler | July 2, 2012 10:32 AMReply

    This was fun.

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