"Jeremy! Don't leave. Sit down for a minute. Ok, Jez, first of all, I wanna say that we're all here because we love you. I know this might come as a shock, seeing all your family and friends here, when you just thought we were gonna get empanadas together, but I wanted to make it clear, we're doing this for your own good. We're worried about you, man. We've been so proud of you, the last few years, with that Brad Pitt cowboy movie, and "The Town," and "The Hurt Locker" -- when I ran into your mom in the grocery store a while back, she said going to the Oscars with you was the happiest day of your life. Didn't you, Val? That's right.
And one of the things I've always loved about you is you're not one of those pretentious, arty-farty actor types. Even when we were kids, back in Modesto, you talked about wanting to be in a movie like "Star Wars," or "Top Gun," or which superhero you'd wanna play if you ever got the chance. And that's cool. But we're just worried about you. Dude, I'm not going to beat around the bush: you're doing too many franchise movies."
"Playing Hawkeye in "The Avengers" is one thing -- that was the first big offer you got, and who wouldn't want to be in that thing? Bows and arrows, that shit is straight-up badass. And no one blames you for doing "Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol" -- I mean, it's Tom Cruise! Tom Fucking Cruise! You remember when we snuck into "Risky Business" as kids? And you've been shooting all over the world, and hanging off buildings and stuff: that's pretty cool.
But it seems like every other week, you're getting involved in some new movie that's made for sequels. "Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters?" Come on, man. Plus with that contract, Marvel basically own your ass until you're 50 -- you're gonna be working your schedule around cameos in "Moon Knight" movies when your hair's gone grey. And then last week, we found out that you're taking over from Matt Damon as the main guy in "The Bourne Legacy"? Again, that's pretty cool, but isn't that just the same as "Mission: Impossible"? And you weren't even the director's first choice.
But we were ok with it. All of us were. We know how long you struggled for, how hard you worked to get where you are, and really, no one's happier than us, I swear to you, man. It's totally understandable that, after all that time in the wilderness, you'd want to get paid the big bucks, and look cool, and kick some ass. But then we picked up The Hollywood Reporter this morning, and discovered that you've signed up to be the voice of Gutt, "a self-styled master of the high seas" in 20th Century Fox's animated sequel "Ice Age: Continental Drift." And we decided enough was enough.
Sure, the last movie in the series "Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs," might be the third-biggest grossing animated movie of all time worldwide, taking nearly $900 million (what? I read the trades, man), and doing it might impress your nieces and nephews, but those movies are kind of shitty. Did Pixar not have anything going for you? And yeah, you might be part of a mix of new additions that appeals to both comedy fans and tweens, including Jennifer Lopez as a sabre-toothed tigress, Wanda Sykes, Aziz Ansari, Drake and "True Jackson, VP" star Keke Palmer, but you're also in with the B-list original stars from the first installment that came out a decade ago, people like Ray Romano, Denis Leary and John Leguizamo.
What we're saying is we think you have a problem. It's like you're dependent on franchises or something -- you're doing five of the goddamn things. Weren't you gonna do that movie with the "There Will Be Blood" guy? That would have been awesome. Or that indie movie "Better Living Through Chemistry," that sounded interesting. Have you kicked that to the curb so you can play yet another special ops badass in a $150 million movie?
Like we said, we're just kind of worried about you, so we've all written letters, and we're gonna read them. Hopefully, it'll show the effect it's having on all of us. Even Joel & Sean, your guys at CAA, think you've taken on too much. Don't you, guys? That's right. And there are guys here who really know what they're talking about. Affleck, stand up, Affleck. Your pal Ben here was telling us some stories about "Daredevil," and that John Woo movie, what was that John Woo piece-of-shit called, Affleck? Right, "Paycheck." He's been through that hell, man, he's come out the other side, and he wants to be your sponsor.
And Colin Farrell, man, he introduced you at the Oscars with that funny story about when you worked on "S.W.A.T." He's been there. He was spread too thin, he burnt out, he's only just gotten back on track. Stand up, Colin. Colin? He said he was going to be here. He's where? What the fuck? He's remaking "Total Recall" in Canada with the guy who directed the "Underworld" movies? What kind of goddamn example is that supposed to set? That Irish prick.
Anyway, that's not the point. The point is, and you can listen to your friends and family, or you can ignore us, but between December 2011 and August 2012, you've got five tentpole movies coming out, and we're just worried you're gonna get overexposed. Maybe we'll all sit down when "Ice Age: Continental Drift" hits theaters on, July 13th 2012, and go "No, actually, we were wrong. He's at least as good as Gutt, a self-styled master of the high seas, as he was in his scorching breakthrough performance in "Dahmer." But somehow we doubt it. Ok. Ms. Bigelow, you're up next."