By Oliver Lyttelton | www.oliverlyttelton.com November 8, 2011 at 11:57AM
Hey guys! Brett Ratner here. You know, the Ratmeister? Sir Rats-A-Lot? Ratling Gun? Raturday Night Live? Cloud Ratlas? Ratty Arbuckle? Ratalina Sandino Moreno? The Great Ratsby? Rattie McDaniel? Ratitude & Longitude? Ratalie Portman? Ratricia Clarkson? Ratellite Of Love? The Girl With The Dragon Rattoo? The Fucking Ratalina Wine Mixer? Angkor Rat? Ratoichi? Rattention Seeker? The director of a bunch of Mariah Carey videos? There we go.
You might have noticed that I've been in the news a lot recently. It's partly because my awesome new movie "Tower Heist" is now in theaters, and is number one at the box office! If you don't count animated movies. Some people say that it was a disappointment, but don't forget, it's the number one Gabourey Sidibe opening OF ALL TIME! But my old mouth has been running away with me a bit, and I just wanted to set some things straight, and after I revealed my plans for the Oscars to them back in the summer, my pals at The Playlist were happy to let me address the news. After all, even they liked "Tower Heist," and they're a bunch of subtitle-loving faggots. Oh, shit, i mean, a bunch of subtitle-loving homosexuals. Close call, Ratman.
So yeah, about the f-word. I made an apology yesterday for what I said at a Q&A about rehearsing being for fags, but I just want to make it clear again. The thing is, when I made my first movie, "Money Talks," we rehearsed for two weeks, just like Sidney Lumet does. And it was great. But you're locked in a rehearsal room for that period of time, with a good looking guy like myself, hormones start flying, you know? By day four, me and Charlie Sheen and Chris Tucker and Paul Sorvino and David Warner were just rutting like animals on the floor. Everyone who knows me knows I'm a tolerant person. Besides, when I say the word 'fag,' I generally don't mean it as attacking the gays. Some of my best friends saw "Brokeback Mountain." I just meant it as a general insult, like "queer" or "cocksucker" or "dyke."
And then there's the other F-word. Fucking Olivia Munn. She said in her book "Suck It, Wonder Woman" (which is a weird coincidence, that's also the title of the DC Comics movie I want to make at Warner Bros) that she walked in on me in my trailer jerking myself off and eating a shrimp cocktail. Now firstly, crustaceaphilia is a growing area of sexuality, and in years from now, it'll be just as accepted as the fags are. So, it's not weird, ok? And secondly, it wasn't true. Because at the time, I was in a serious committed relationship with a crayfish named Susanna. So I said on a talkshow that I banged Ms. Munn, and then forgot who she was. Take that, Munn!
But it all got out of hand, so I totally admitted it on The Howard Stern Show yesterday, as you can hear on Just Jared. As I said, "The girl's a friend of mine. I said I banged her three times, which wasn't true. She's hot! She's actually a talented actress!" You see? I respect her, because she's hot. So yeah, we were just doing what friends do. You guys have got female friends right? Try telling me that they've never made up a story about you jerking off with a handful of seafood, am I right? And I know you've told millions of people that you banged them three times when you didn't. It's all totally normal.
Anyway, the Academy haven't fired me from producing the Oscars, despite what some people have said, because they know how awesome the ceremony that me and my "Tower Heist" star Eddie Murphy are putting together is gonna be. They totally understand that if I was really intolerant, someone like Eddie, who in no way has a history of homophobia or misogyny, would never want to work with me again. And as if to prove it, I told The Wrap that we're doing another project together.
It's not going to be "Beverly Hills Cop 4," at least not yet. We want to make sure that we have a script that lives up to a great movie like "Beverly Hills Cop 3" before we do that. And it's not the movie version of "Hong Kong Phooey," because I'm only producing that, so I don't really give a shit about it. It's something else, something secret. I'm not willing to reveal just what it is yet, but you can be assured that with the director of "Family Man" and "X-Men: The Last Stand," and the star of "Pluto Nash," "Meet Dave" and "Haunted Mansion," you know you'll be in for one hilarious ride. But also respectful of the gays and the women and shit.