Click to Skip Ad
Closing in...
Watch: James Bond Is Back In First Trailer For 'Spectre' Starring Daniel Craig, Lea Seydoux, Dave Bautista, & More Watch: James Bond Is Back In First Trailer For 'Spectre' Starring Daniel Craig, Lea Seydoux, Dave Bautista, & More Terrence Malick's Next Film With Ryan Gosling, Rooney Mara & Michael Fassbender Reportedly Gets Titled Terrence Malick's Next Film With Ryan Gosling, Rooney Mara & Michael Fassbender Reportedly Gets Titled Watch: Jake Gyllenhaal Gets Bloody And Bruised In First Trailer For Boxing Drama 'Southpaw' Watch: Jake Gyllenhaal Gets Bloody And Bruised In First Trailer For Boxing Drama 'Southpaw' New Infographic Lays Out Canonical 'Star Wars' Timeline With Films, TV And Books New Infographic Lays Out Canonical 'Star Wars' Timeline With Films, TV And Books First Official Image: Jesse Eisenberg As Lex Luthor In 'Batman v Superman: Dawn Of Justice' First Official Image: Jesse Eisenberg As Lex Luthor In 'Batman v Superman: Dawn Of Justice' Watch: First Trailer For Arnold Schwarzenegger's Zombie Pic 'Maggie' With Abigail Breslin Watch: First Trailer For Arnold Schwarzenegger's Zombie Pic 'Maggie' With Abigail Breslin Idris Elba Replaces Jamie Foxx In Harmony Korine's 'The Trap,' Al Pacino, Robert Pattinson, James Franco Also Join Idris Elba Replaces Jamie Foxx In Harmony Korine's 'The Trap,' Al Pacino, Robert Pattinson, James Franco Also Join Watch: Explore The Loneliness Of Sofia Coppola's Films With This Supercut Watch: Explore The Loneliness Of Sofia Coppola's Films With This Supercut 10 Terrible Films Starring Great Actors 10 Terrible Films Starring Great Actors Watch: Tom Hanks Acts Out His Filmography In 7-Minutes On 'The Late Late Show' Watch: Tom Hanks Acts Out His Filmography In 7-Minutes On 'The Late Late Show' New Directors/New Films Review: Jia Zhang-ke Produced 'K' Is A New Take On Franz Kafka's 'The Castle' New Directors/New Films Review: Jia Zhang-ke Produced 'K' Is A New Take On Franz Kafka's 'The Castle' Viggo Mortensen Reveals He Turned Down Quentin Tarantino's 'The Hateful Eight,' Auditioned For 'Reservoir Dogs' Viggo Mortensen Reveals He Turned Down Quentin Tarantino's 'The Hateful Eight,' Auditioned For 'Reservoir Dogs' Jonathan Nolan Says His Original Ending To 'Interstellar' Was “Much More Straightforward” Jonathan Nolan Says His Original Ending To 'Interstellar' Was “Much More Straightforward” The 25 Best Animated Films Of The 21st Century So Far The 25 Best Animated Films Of The 21st Century So Far The 25 Best Films Of 2015 We've Already Seen The 25 Best Films Of 2015 We've Already Seen Best Of 2014: The 15 Best Movie Soundtracks Of 2014 Best Of 2014: The 15 Best Movie Soundtracks Of 2014 The 25 Best Horror Films Of The 21st Century So Far The 25 Best Horror Films Of The 21st Century So Far The 20 Best TV Shows Of The 2013/2014 Season The 20 Best TV Shows Of The 2013/2014 Season From Worst To Best: Ranking The Films Of Hayao Miyazaki From Worst To Best: Ranking The Films Of Hayao Miyazaki All The Songs In 'Pitch Perfect' Including La Roux, David Guetta, Azealia Banks, Nicki Minaj & More All The Songs In 'Pitch Perfect' Including La Roux, David Guetta, Azealia Banks, Nicki Minaj & More

First Poster Arrives For 'The Three Musketeers;' Which Cast Member Is Humiliated The Most?

Photo of Oliver Lyttelton By Oliver Lyttelton | The Playlist June 9, 2011 at 1:41AM

Currently in a tight neck-and-neck race with Roland Emmerich's "Anonymous" to be the stupidest movie of the fall, "The Three Musketeers," which sees "Resident Evil" director Paul W.S. Anderson cunningly reboot Alexandre Dumas' legendary characters for the 21st century by trying to make it look as much like "Resident Evil" as humanly possible, is looming on the release schedule. We've already seen one truly terrible trailer for the film, and now, with the film's October release date coming closer, Summit have released the first one-sheet for the film, via Yahoo.
11


Currently in a tight neck-and-neck race with Roland Emmerich's "Anonymous" to be the stupidest movie of the fall, "The Three Musketeers," which sees "Resident Evil" director Paul W.S. Anderson cunningly reboot Alexandre Dumas' legendary characters for the 21st century by trying to make it look as much like "Resident Evil" as humanly possible, is looming on the release schedule. We've already seen one truly terrible trailer for the film, and now, with the film's October release date coming closer, Summit have released the first one-sheet for the film, via Yahoo.

Design wise, it's going for a "Raiders of the Lost Ark"/"Star Wars"-esque look, albeit not hand-painted, an admirable idea, but one that's not quite worked out in execution, to say the least. No one comes off well here, but we've decided to rank the humiliation levels of the principle cast members: who will be the most embarrassed when they walk past the one-sheet in a theater?

9. Juno Temple/James Corden/Til Schweiger/Freddie Fox -- Because they're not on it.

8. Ray Stevenson -- The "Rome" veteran is essentially replicating a pose from his short-lived time as "The Punisher," but considering his shaven head and pistol, you wouldn't tell that to his face.

7. Mads Mikkelsen -- The ice-cool Dane has already survived "Clash of the Titans" unscathed, so his embarrassment threshold is pretty high, and he manages to sort of pull off the silly eyepatch he has to wear. On the down side, the poster's odd sense of proportion makes him look the same height as Milla Jovovich's shinbone.

6. Christoph Waltz - The "Inglourious Basterds" actor has an Oscar, and was the best thing in the otherwise painful "Green Hornet." Even if his Cardinal Richelieu is wearing a suit of armor over what appears to be some kind of Lady Gaga fetish outfit, he'll be fine.

5. Matthew MacFayden - The "Pride & Prejudice" star's fighting posture is distinctly less hard-man than his colleagues, looking more like a dancer than a fighter. He's also facing a different direction than his fellow cast-members, as though he was unable to resist the allure of Milla Jovovich's corset.

4. Logan Lerman - The young actor, playing D'Artagnan, actually pulls off a fairly respectable heroic posture. Or at least, he would if his sword hadn't been photoshopped in a way that makes it look like he's shining a flashlight on his crotch.

3. Milla Jovovich - On the one hand, Jovovich's partner is the film's director, Paul W.S. Anderson, so she had no choice but to appear in this. On the other, she's keeping up the "Resident Evil" vibe by looking a bit like a corpse, and is positioned in such a way that Waltz and herself look like Orlando Bloom's European-actor-themed shoulder pads.

2. Luke Evans - He might be one of the most in-demand actors around, only just missing out on "The Bourne Legacy" and "The Great Gatsby," but Unconvincing Ninja Pose + The Photoshopped Impression That He's Lit His Fart In Order To Kill A Pair Of Borrowers = hardcore embarrassment.

1. Orlando Bloom - Look at that face. Look at the way that his earring is positioned to give the impression of a Christmas decoration being hung off his moustache. Of course, if the on-set interview below is anything to go by, Bloom was Richard Harris-level drunk throughout the entire filming, so he may have no recollection of being in the film at all, saving him the humiliation.

"The Three Musketeers" lands in theaters, in look-at-how-many-swords-we-can-point-in-your-face 3D, on October 14th.


This article is related to: Films, Actors, Actresses, Paul W.S. Anderson, The Three Musketeers, Orlando Bloom, Christoph Waltz, Luke Evans, Logan Lerman, Ray Stevenson, Matthew Macfadyen, Juno Temple


The Playlist

The obsessives' guide to contemporary cinema via film discussion, news, reviews, features, nostalgia, movie music, soundtracks, DVDs and more.


Check out Indiewire on LockerDome on LockerDome

E-Mail Updates