Click to Skip Ad
Closing in...
'Kick-Ass' Creator Mark Millar Says A Hit-Girl Solo Movie Was Once In The Works With 'The Raid' Director Gareth Evans 'Kick-Ass' Creator Mark Millar Says A Hit-Girl Solo Movie Was Once In The Works With 'The Raid' Director Gareth Evans Kristen Wiig, Melissa McCarthy, Kate McKinnon & Leslie Jones To Lead Paul Feig's 'Ghostbusters' Reboot Kristen Wiig, Melissa McCarthy, Kate McKinnon & Leslie Jones To Lead Paul Feig's 'Ghostbusters' Reboot 30 Films You Forgot Were Oscar Winners 30 Films You Forgot Were Oscar Winners Review: Documentary 'Night Will Fall' Is A Powerful Reminder Of The Horrors Of The Holocaust Review: Documentary 'Night Will Fall' Is A Powerful Reminder Of The Horrors Of The Holocaust Harvey Weinstein Explains What Happened With 'Grace Of Monaco,' Says He Was Right About 'Snowpiercer' Harvey Weinstein Explains What Happened With 'Grace Of Monaco,' Says He Was Right About 'Snowpiercer' Harvey Weinstein Says Quentin Tarantino Has Changed The Last Chapter Of 'The Hateful Eight' Harvey Weinstein Says Quentin Tarantino Has Changed The Last Chapter Of 'The Hateful Eight' Sundance Review: ‘Slow West’ Starring Michael Fassbender, Kodi Smit-McPhee & Ben Mendelsohn Sundance Review: ‘Slow West’ Starring Michael Fassbender, Kodi Smit-McPhee & Ben Mendelsohn Sundance: Keanu Reeves Opens The Door To Trouble In Teaser Trailer For Eli Roth's 'Knock Knock' Sundance: Keanu Reeves Opens The Door To Trouble In Teaser Trailer For Eli Roth's 'Knock Knock' Watch: 8-Minute Video Essay Argues Steve McQueen's 'Shame' Is Actually A Critique Of The Modern Metropolis Watch: 8-Minute Video Essay Argues Steve McQueen's 'Shame' Is Actually A Critique Of The Modern Metropolis Watch: The Tampon Scene From 'Fifty Shades Of Grey' You Won't See In The Movie Recreated With 'The Sims' Watch: The Tampon Scene From 'Fifty Shades Of Grey' You Won't See In The Movie Recreated With 'The Sims' The 10 Best Films Of 2004 The 10 Best Films Of 2004 'Death Proof' Star Zoe Bell Leads Latest Additions To Quentin Tarantino's 'Hateful Eight' As Filming Begins 'Death Proof' Star Zoe Bell Leads Latest Additions To Quentin Tarantino's 'Hateful Eight' As Filming Begins Watch: 'Saturday Night Live' Sketch 'Fanatic' Written & Directed By Paul Thomas Anderson And Starring Ben Affleck Watch: 'Saturday Night Live' Sketch 'Fanatic' Written & Directed By Paul Thomas Anderson And Starring Ben Affleck First Look: Leonardo DiCaprio Gets Grimy In Alejandro González Iñárritu's 'The Revenant' First Look: Leonardo DiCaprio Gets Grimy In Alejandro González Iñárritu's 'The Revenant' "Carry Bolt Cutters Everywhere": Werner Herzog Has 24 Amazing Pieces Of Advice "Carry Bolt Cutters Everywhere": Werner Herzog Has 24 Amazing Pieces Of Advice The 25 Best Horror Films Of The 21st Century So Far The 25 Best Horror Films Of The 21st Century So Far Watch: 3 Graphic, Very NSFW Clips From Lars von Trier's 'Nymphomaniac Vol II — Director's Cut' Watch: 3 Graphic, Very NSFW Clips From Lars von Trier's 'Nymphomaniac Vol II — Director's Cut' The 20 Best TV Shows Of The 2013/2014 Season The 20 Best TV Shows Of The 2013/2014 Season From Worst To Best: Ranking The Films Of Hayao Miyazaki From Worst To Best: Ranking The Films Of Hayao Miyazaki Christopher Nolan Says His Howard Hughes Film Is Dead, But He'd Still Like To Do A Bond Film At Some Point Christopher Nolan Says His Howard Hughes Film Is Dead, But He'd Still Like To Do A Bond Film At Some Point

Hell Begins Freezing Over as 'Cabbage Patch Kids' Get Their Own Movie

The Playlist By Sam Price | The Playlist June 14, 2011 at 2:32AM

With “nostalgia” apparently the watchword for all summer releases from “Super 8” to “The Tree of Life,” producer Galen Walker is perhaps taking the trend slightly too literally by plundering his '80s toybox and announcing the production of an animated “Cabbage Patch Kids” TV movie, as The Hollywood Reporter notes. Having already finagled the film rights to “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,” presumably Walker’s next move is to round up all the Care Bears, illegally detain them in detention camps, and demand that Love-a-Lot Bear surrender his life rights.
4


With “nostalgia” apparently the watchword for all summer releases from “Super 8” to “The Tree of Life,” producer Galen Walker is perhaps taking the trend slightly too literally by plundering his '80s toybox and announcing the production of an animated “Cabbage Patch Kids” TV movie, as The Hollywood Reporter notes. Having already finagled the film rights to “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,” presumably Walker’s next move is to round up all the Care Bears, illegally detain them in detention camps, and demand that Love-a-Lot Bear surrender his life rights.

Briefly a craze three decades ago – you know, in the way yo-yos and the Ebola virus were – Cabbage Patch Kids were fat-faced dolls who were “born” in the real-life Babyland General Hospital and tended to their metaphorical philosophical gardens in a “Candide”-like best of all possible worlds. If you’re looking for a picture to affix to your dartboard, creator Xavier Roberts is a convenient hate figure. He’s the man responsible for crafting the “legend” of these creations who apparently still enjoy a degree of popularity to this day. This is, one imagines, the pretext that Walker is utilizing to insist that, "It's a brand filled with many positive messages for kids." Unless he’s talking about the other kind of brand used to mark cattle, and he’s planning to go around burning kids with molten metal in a crazed frenzy, it’s hard to see what the “positive messages” are that he’s alluding to.

Walker's project joins a growing litany of kiddie-based cultural terrors purloined from either board games or other toys -- the doomed "Battleship", "Stretch Armstrong" and "Monopoly" -- that have been threatened in the past. Of course it’s easy to chirp about the essential laziness of such a ploy, with “Alvin and the Chipmunks” already such an astronomical success and “The Smurfs” landing later this year. In the past insensitive internet trolls have enjoyed carping about their childhood being “raped” by evil corporate puppet-masters, and that’s all well and good but it trivializes the wider point. We’ve now reached such a stage of trans-infantilism that it’s not beyond the realm of possibility to imagine fast forwarding ten years as jaded cinema-goers stagger to the multiplex, drunk from a bottle of street booze, huffing glue from a discarded gym sock, and seeing the opening marquee above them read “David Lynch’s Tamagotchis in Space,” “Beanie Babies: The Movie” and “The Furbies Do Dallas.” See what you’ve wrought, Galen Walker? Do you see?

No word yet on when those delightful 'Cabbage Patch Kids' will rear their porcine heads in movie form, so at least that gives a good run-up to devise an elaborate Jim Jones-style antifreeze party for when the date does finally roll around.

This article is related to: Films, Animated Films, Cabbage Patch Kids


The Playlist

The obsessives' guide to contemporary cinema via film discussion, news, reviews, features, nostalgia, movie music, soundtracks, DVDs and more.


E-Mail Updates