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Review: 'Grown Ups 2' Starring Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Chris Rock & David Spade

by Gabe Toro
July 11, 2013 11:01 AM
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Grown Ups 2

Spoiler alert: the very last joke of “Grown Ups 2” involves a character passing gas on Salma Hayek. This is Salma Hayek, one of the great actresses of international cinema, a global star in multiple languages, one of the most beautiful women in the world, and an Oscar nominee. This is Salma Hayek, who has served on the Cannes jury and has produced and starred in several boundary-crossing Spanish language films, where her consistency has become almost taken for granted. And here she is, in “Grown Ups 2,” where she exists in order to model low-cut trash fashion that spotlights her chest, and then eat a mouthful of flatulence as the final punchline to a vanity project by some of our most famous, laziest American comedians. This is the way our film culture ends: not with a whimper, but with a fart.

Grown Ups 2

Somehow, director Dennis Dugan and the Adam Sandler team have managed to make a non-movie that plumbs even further depths than the original “Grown Ups.” This sequel is even more plot-less, even more conflict-less, even more, more, more, of less, less, less. It is the perfect realization of a comedy desert, an endless path of jokes, and nary a laugh to be found, most of them centered around sub-Benny Hill ogling of women and repeated moments of pooping children and vomiting adults. Basically, it’s a film made for brainless grunts who like to hang out all day making sub-literate jokes about boobs and gays while watching the game. No wonder the first movie was such a success.

With the exception of Rob Schneider (who must have died in between films in a boating mishap so horrifying no one ever talks about him), the whole gang is back, and they’re welcoming former visiting Los Angeles citizen Lenny (Sandler) back home to the suburbs. This entry seems focused on the more mundane aspects of the characters’ lives, specifically centered around their children beginning to grow up, facing the same issues the gang encountered in their youth. Judging by the advice they pass down, and how it benefits the kids, this gang must have had the easiest collective childhood in the world: every problem each child encounters is miraculously fixed thanks to random last minute interventions. “Grown Ups 2” might have the greatest absence of tension of any studio film made in the last twenty years, as our heroes never once fall prey to indecision or fear, and generally get their way, even when their disapproving, nagging (but stunningly gorgeous) wives get in the way.

Grown Ups 2

Because someone needs to get in the way of someone else, a dispute is invented out of thin air, a territorial tussle with the local frat boys who claim the land because frat boys are always yelling and pounding chests. Taylor Lautner, who spreads doubt that he’s in on the joke, leads this crowd with a series of flexing postures and acrobatic flips that suggest seizing the opportunity to show off his physicality to all the producers in Hollywood who missed out on “Abduction,” which was once a thing that happened. The men dodder after their young brood and wax nostalgic, but when it comes time to throw down with kids only slightly younger, this group has no qualms about throwing a few elbows and delivering hits that would cause brain damage in any other film. Sandler movies: teaching an entire generation that not only can you punch your way out of problems, but it will also be funny!

There’s a point to be made about these guys being over-the-hill and no-longer-with-it, especially as they have second guesses about throwing a massive third act party centered around '80s fashion. Of course, this isn’t a compelling question because it’s not a question: these guys are desperately boring. Eric (Kevin James) has a vice that essentially finds him skipping out on his wife to spend time with his sweet elderly mother. Kurt (Chris Rock) celebrates a newfound marital freedom by drinking non-diet Pepsi. And Higgins (David Spade), the noted lady-killer of the bunch, just seems to follow the entire group around like a lapdog, which proves beneficial when they go to their local hangout: not a bar, not a lake, not even a church, but a goddamned K-Mart.

Grown Ups 2
It’s difficult to have too many negative feelings towards Sandler, who has built this empire on giving work to his friends and former “SNL” co-workers, some of whom have talent that is highly unemployable in any other venue. But he can’t eliminate his instincts to hire non-actors to clown around with his buddies as if everyone can hang equally. Giving some of the most painful line-readings of the year is a mugging Shaquille O’Neal, who finds a sizable amount of screen time as a former Sandler crony turned cop who doesn’t seem to do any real police work and has no qualms with getting drunk and violent when the opportunity calls. ESPN heads Dan Patrick and Chris Berman also surface for a couple of gags, but their non-professional enthusiasm actually collides with the apathetic disinterest shown by Sandler, Rock, James and Spade, creating the collective effect of an entire cast where not a single person is interesting or worth watching. Meanwhile, silent cameos are granted to the likes of new-generation “SNL” cast members like Bobby Moynihan and Taran Killam. Perhaps the promise is that one day, they will have their own Salma Hayeks to fart upon. [F]

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  • the sayer of the truth | August 16, 2013 8:38 PMReply

    The overt sexualizing of Chloe Grace Moretz equates to more of Hollywoods endless lies and hypocrisy, when are people going to finally realise that Hollywood really is the biggest load of old rubbish in the history of the universe ! ?.

  • steve prefontaine | August 10, 2013 9:13 PMReply

    I want to bugger Lindsay Lohan (as the bird was in 2004 when the bird was 18, not as the bird is now obviously).

  • willy jerk-off | July 17, 2013 5:31 PMReply

    I want to bugger and tit-fuck Salma Hayek (as the bird was in 1984 when the bird was 18, not as the bird is now obviously).

  • Classy | July 17, 2013 5:43 PM


  • the sayer of the truth | July 15, 2013 8:16 PMReply

    Adam Sandler and Kevin James are both worthless piles of dog-shit, freshly excreted out of a mongrels arse.

  • jimmie t. murakami | July 15, 2013 8:12 PMReply

    Its truly appalling that this piece of pathetic garbage has defeated the unmittigated brilliance and genius of "Pacific Rim" (easily one of the best films of the year) at the North American box office this past week-end, the fickleness and sheer stupidity of the American movie going public never ceases to amaze me.

  • teddy crescendo | July 15, 2013 8:06 PMReply

    I couldn`t watch "Grown ups 2" if somebody payed me $200 to do it, some Hollywood movies are absolutely unwatchable fucking abominations and this is certainly one of them.

  • cineman | July 15, 2013 2:30 PMReply

    This movie didn't just fart. It followed through and soiled itself, and everyone who watched it.

  • Jeffrey M. | July 15, 2013 1:01 AMReply

    Wow, you are a hater! Clearly this movie isn't trying to snag a Best Picture award - but I believe it succeeded in taking a lighthearted, fun approach that a laid-back everyday audience could enjoy. It definitely didn't take itself too seriously, which I found to be a virtue. Perhaps you could take a hint, mr. "straightfaced movie reviewer" toro.

  • A | July 15, 2013 11:29 AM

    Or maybe the movie just isn't funny? Just because it isn't aiming for Best Pictures doesn't mean that it doesn't need to try to be funny.

  • Pockula | July 12, 2013 8:21 PMReply

    Adam Sandler farting in Emily Watson's mouth was an alt. ending to Punch-Drunk Love.

  • Jamie | July 12, 2013 12:53 AMReply

    ..."a vanity project by some of our most famous, laziest American comedians." Well said, sir!

  • Rob | July 11, 2013 11:37 AMReply

    I don't even know why people bother to review Adam Sandler movies anymore, or why Adam Sandler even credits a writer for the trash he is in.

  • owdl114 | July 11, 2013 11:20 AMReply

    'This is the way our film culture ends: not with a whimper, but with a fart.'
    Put it on the poster!

  • Diana Drumm | July 11, 2013 11:36 AM

    Hear, hear!

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