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Don't Ever Cross Alex Cross: The 10 Most Awful Movie Poster Taglines

by Oliver Lyttelton
October 17, 2012 12:16 PM
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This week marks the less-than-eagerly awaited release of "Alex Cross," which sees inexplicably popular drag artist Tyler Perry take up the mantle of the titular police psychologist played by Morgan Freeman in "Kiss The Girls" and "Along Came A Spider." There are many amusing/baffling things about the film, but perhaps first among them is the poster tagline: "Don't Ever Cross Alex Cross." Presumably thought up by a frazzled intern during a toilet break after alternatives like 'Don't Make Alex Cross Cross," "You're Across From A. Cross" and "Cross Alex Cross Alex Cross Cross Cross," it'll be impressive if anything dumber appears on a movie poster this year.

To pay tribute to the so-dumb-it's-brilliant splendor of the line, we've picked out ten of our favorite bizarre, ridiculous or just plain crappy tag-lines from the past, and you can check them out over the next few pages. Did we miss your favorite? Let us know in the comments section.

1. "The Day Of The Dolphin"

"Unwittingly, he trained a dolphin to kill the President of the United States."

Look, it was a silly premise anyway, but it's not really doing itself any favors with the word "unwittingly" (the film, directed by Mike Nichols, is kind of fun, though).

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More: Features, Alex Cross, Tyler Perry

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  • budman2008 | March 27, 2013 8:43 PMReply

    "This year, the holidays come faster" *giggle*

  • MD | October 22, 2012 1:57 AMReply

    Missing from this list is the double-whammy of *two* taglines from the single one-sheet for the misbegotten 1999 David Spade/Sophie Marceau rom-com LOST & FOUND. First, the treatment-esque "A comedy about a guy who would do anything to get the girl of his dreams -- and did!" capped off by... wait for it... "One of these dogs must be Spade."

  • Henry | October 21, 2012 7:14 PMReply

    Oh come on. "Unwittingly, he trained a dolphin to kill the President of the United States"? That's incredible and you know it.

  • Clark Grisworld | October 18, 2012 9:27 PMReply

    How about Sucker Punch : "YOU WILL BE UNPREPARED". Indeed, most of us were.

    Re: the Octopussy tag, it is kind of awkward, but they were facing pressure from the rival Connery-starring Bond film Never Say Never Again, so a lot of the marketing focused on Octopussy being the real/official Bond film, by associating itself with all the previous EON produced ones; the theatrical trailer actually lists the titles of all 12 past Bond films.

  • Sharon | October 18, 2012 6:45 PMReply

    Oliver, while I really like the basic thrust of this article---dumb movie titles---I deplore the cheap shots at Tyler Perry's breaking into more serious acting. A few years ago I didn't even know who he was and now, with several well-received comedies to his credit, Perry is moving into a different strata with the more serious Alex Cross movie. While "Don't cross . . ." is definitely dumb too, and I am so not a James Patterson fan, your opening salvo really just makes me angry.
    I hope you're not this irresponsible in your writing generally, so I'll be watching and reading.

  • James | October 18, 2012 7:58 PM

    Wow, the Tyler Perry Fan Club has been out in force here commenting, lol. I'm a longtime reader of the site and laughed heartily at the cheap shots at Perry. The term "well-received" is usually taken to mean critically respected, not just financially successful, so I don't think that applies here. As for "moving into a different strata"? Please. This is not irresponsible writing, just having an opinion. If sarcastic/snide comments about Perry make you "angry", you better avoid most of the coverage of him anywhere.

  • b | October 18, 2012 12:04 PMReply

    This got me so good. Funny stuff.

  • MJ | October 18, 2012 1:13 AMReply

    I don't know if it was on a poster or not but the tagline to the 2010 Clash of the Titans was just hilariously lacking in creativity: "TITANS WILL CLASH!". I was slightly disappointed when we didn't get a tagline of "TITANS WILL WRATH" this year.

  • Josh | October 17, 2012 4:58 PMReply

    So happy to see you guys recognized The Specialist, that "tagline" is so bizarre and neverending it seems unreal- in the best way of course. I still remember laughing out loud the first time I read it. And yea that Alex Cross tagline is god awful.

  • Simon | October 17, 2012 4:02 PMReply

    Don't forget Volcano.

    "The coast is toast".

  • Erica | October 17, 2012 2:20 PMReply

    From Paris with Love: Two agents. One city. No merci.

    Dear Lord -.-

  • Franck | October 17, 2012 1:08 PMReply

    The Octopussy tagline refers to the war between Bonds of 1983. That year there was also the remake of Thunderball starring Connery, Never Say Never Again. Octopussy's tagline simply says that people should trust the producers of the 'original' films, not the spoofs or the remake.

  • Dave | October 17, 2012 12:58 PMReply

    How about Cocktail's "When he pours, he reigns"? Not sure if this is so bad it's good, or just plain bad. Probably just plain bad.

  • Liz | October 17, 2012 12:57 PMReply

    I'd like to submit the French-Canadian film "Incendies," whose tagline is hilariously over-literal: "The search began at the opening of their mother's will."

  • Cde. | October 17, 2012 12:46 PMReply

    Yep, funny stuff.

  • Zack | October 17, 2012 12:20 PMReply

    Past precedent suggests there are gonna be multiple comments along the lines of ZOMG PLAYLIST Y U MAKE JOKES???? I COME HERE 4 TEH NEWS NOT UR STOOPID JOKES!!!!!!, so I'll just say I think this is hilarious.

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