Oh, goddamnit! Why is it I never know about the good opportunities when they come up? Evidently, IFC was looking for a new "anchor" to pass along all of its indie film "news," as well as someone they could chain to a computer in front of an inbox full of press releases for some daily Web updates.

This position had my name written all over it, but alas, Variety reports today that they got their man: Matt Singer, actually not a bad freelance critic and film writer (he and I apparently share a deep and true loathing for Paul Reiser's The Thing About My Folks), is coming at 'cha with all the latest and hottest scoops ripped from the headlines of PR dispatches from coast to coast. Think of it like blogging, but with regular paychecks.

In actuality, Singer's hire is hardly news itself—he went public with his new gig over a month ago on a Web message board, further proving, I suppose, how woefully out of touch The Reeler actually is. But even if I cannot hold his jock as a journalist, I could kick his ass on that screen test where IFC boss Evan Shapiro makes you sight-read tough sentences like, "Lange's clinician inculcates Broken Flowers, evincing Murray's raw, droll posture in a Jarmuschian Grand Guignol of burnished quietude." You know, five times fast.

So there. Resume available upon request, bitches.