I usually try to avoid the fanboy realm. You know--the pasty, mouth-breathing, convention-going types whose plasma-screen TV's barely fit in the bedrooms where they grew up and are now pushing middle age. But one thing led to another today, and after hearing that the Weinsteins' Dimension Films is funding a "significant percentage" of a $50 million big-screen version of the classic video game Castlevania, my hunt for details led me right into the heart of dorkness:

First came Tropical Storm Cinematical:

If you are a regular reader, you know how I felt about the Alien vs. Predator movie. If you aren’t, you can probably guess. I felt the same way that all of America felt. And just when I was starting to get over the pain, this news comes along from Variety: Paul W.S. Anderson, the man responsible for A v. P is at it again. And what is he going for this time? One of the most beloved video game series of all time, and a personal favorite of mine- Castlevania. That’s right, the story of the Belmonts and their legacy of protecting mankind from Dracula (okay, so maybe it’s not solid gold as a story…but I never said it should be a movie) is now in the filthy hands of Paul Anderson. ... My soul hurts.

Then came Hurricane Ain't It Cool News (Category 4 Version):

Uh oh... Paul WS Anderson has come out of hiding! Sorry game fans... he's making a trip to CASTLEVANIA!!!

Ahoy, squirts! Quint here with some sad news to a lot of you Nintendo fans. I remember playing CASTLEVANIA when I was a kid, but I haven't really kept up with the franchise. I played one of the sequels a little bit, but didn't get into it. So, I'm not attached emotionally to this title, but a know a good lot of you are. Paul WS Anderson (RESIDENT EVIL, SOLDIER, AVP) is set to write and direct the video game adaptation for Steve Paul's Crystal Sky pictures. Hey, cheer up Castlevania fans... I'm sure compared to another fantasy video game movie with castles in it ::coughcoughdungeonsiegecoughcough:: CASTLEVANIA will look like a billion bucks!

Then AICN made landfall this morning with all the brute strength it could muster:

Ahoy, squirts! Quint here. Paul WS Anderson's latest ass-raping of a video game property, CASTLEVANIA, has found a home with Dimension films, which is pretty fitting ... Dimension has put out some of the worst genre films of the last 10 years, now they'll have a Paul WS Anderson movie. As much as I like to pick on the guy, I have to say that if he does CASTLEVANIA more EVENT HORIZON and less RESIDENT EVIL he could make me eat some crow. I'd love for him to pump out something that doesn't make me cringe (ie AvP and SOLDIER) or strike me as incredibly mediocre (RESIDENT EVIL). Get ready for it... Dimension Films presents Paul WS Anderson's CASTLEVANIA!

And then you know how every storm leaves little patches of bad weather in its trail? In the blog world, we call these "Comments" [and heavy on the sic]:

--"EDmund": As someone who has been playing video games for 23 years, I find this completely insulting. This is a slap in the face to gamers everywhere.

--"colonel_lugz": was having a great sleep with wonderful dreams and i get up and i read that....now im a saaaaad panda. it going to be terrible lets face facts, paul ws anderson cant make films, lock the dude up for heavens sake!

--"ToddBox": Seriously, why in the hell do these studios give this guy money? The only way it will be better than something like AVP or Soldier is if they record a 3 year old playing the game while on fire. What could have been a decent movie will now turn out being hated by fans and might just light up the box office on opening weekend and fade out of our collective memory untill they announce he is helming Joust the movie.

--"Der-Rabe": Somebody please stop this guy!! Why in gods name is this retard still making movies..Oh frell..

--"obi12kenobi": Here's what he wont do: He wont play the game, wont stay true to the games mythology and ignore most of the game elements and will NOT respect what the fans of the game will want from a Castlevania film. Here's what he will do: Fuck it up royally by doing his own thing and probably base it in a lasertastic future. What a sucker! I cannot wait to read the headline "Paul Anderson retires!".

--"dogapeandman": Where do I sign up? TO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE! OH SHIT! BURN!

Having recently endured the full wrath of a few dozen teething Hanson loyalists, I can kind of sympathize with Paul W.S. Anderson here. But not having seen any of his past "lastertastic" work, I cannot stick up for him; thus I suppose the fanboy prejudice reigns for at least a while.

But Jesus--I just hope no comic books were damaged in the deluge. As they are so fond of telling their mothers, those things are irreplaceable.