King Kong is no rival for Slipper Kong (Photo: STV)

After all the hype and hearsay, it is with a heavy heart that I admit not being able to cover last night's King Kong premiere in Times Square. It is not all bad, however: I did manage to go check out the scaaaaaary plaster replica Universal plunked onto Military Island (just one notch above the fuzzy gorilla slippers that I am privileged to wear to work each day--but I digress), and I arranged for a top-flight reporter to send back a dispatch from the event:

Ladies and gentlemen, Reeler Correspondent Becks Bean:

"Nothing too crazy or as noteworthy as the Nathan Lane incident happened at the King Kong premiere last night. The premiere was humongous though - the red carpet was like half a block long and there was press from all over the world. Although the PR people weren't too helpful at getting us access to all the stars, they did make the time go by faster by passing out giant King Kong gloves, which, when punched against one's chest (or just shook), make a gorilla roaring sound. Fun at the premiere but embarassing when they started going off out of nowhere on my subway ride home."

Noise-making gloves? Jesus--the PR apparatus just gets sophisticateder and sophisticateder. Follow the jump for the rest of Becks's report.

"George Lucas walked the red carpet and begrudgingly answered some questions although it wasn't quite clear why he was in attendance. And he's definitely not the friendliest guy on earth, but he certainly had praise for his friend Peter Jackson.

"Jackson walked down to the carpet carrying an original King Kong, this wire-looking figurine. This was very sweet. When asked about what lucky charm he brings to premieres, he replied, 'Well, at the moment, I’m carrying the original King Kong from the 1933 film. I mean, this guy’s 72 years old, and I’m holding him as my good luck charm. I’m holding him very tightly. ... This is one of the most precious pieces of film history..'

"He also got plenty of questions about his weight loss, and he attributed his dramatic transformation to stress. When asked if he though he thought he had made a better movie than Merian C. Cooper's original, Jackson shrugged. 'Well, I don’t know,' he said. 'I mean, that’s for other people to decide. I just wanted to try to make a movie that captured everything that I loved about the original. I saw it when I was 9 years old. It made me want to become a filmmaker, and I just wanted to try to recreate that wonderful escapist entertainment.'

"Will Ferrell once again did no print press (or any press I believe). I honestly don't understand why he even bothers walking down the carpet - he could just as easily sneak inside and stop taunting us. So, this time, rather than just ignoring the reporters, he coughed into his hand and claimed he had laryngitis.

"All the King Kong stars had nothing but great things to say about working with one another and had the utmost praise for Jackson. Take Colin Hanks, for example. 'You know,' he said, 'the set was a very fun place to show up everyday because everyone was so nice. We had such a good time working and the sets are so cool, it was like going to a playground everyday. A lot of fun.' When asked about how his father Tom felt about the movie, he said: 'Oh yeah, my father was unbelievably proud, and actually, he was jealous.'

"Brody had some thoughtful, even poignant things to offer about his work on the film. 'It was an honor,' he said. 'I think whenever a director is that passionate about something, they have a tremendous insight and guidance that they can give to their players. And so that makes the process much easier. There’s always pressure in work, so it’s not that there’s more pressure because something is meaningful. On the contrary, you feel more protected by somebody if it’s [his] baby.

" 'I feel tremendously honored to play the romantic lead in a director of [Jackson's] caliber’s film--something that [he] had been wanting to make [his] whole life. Essentially, it’s the kind of role that I’ve been wanting to play my
whole life and I really am thankful that he gave me the job. So it’s good.'

"Jack Black is hilarious and looked quite silly with his moustache. He was there with his girlfriend, who is 10 times hotter than him [ED. NOTE: The views of Becks Bean do not necessarily reflect the opinions of The Reeler.]

"When someone asked if he thinks he looks like Clark Gable, Black said, 'Uh, I don’t know what you’re getting at, dude, but Peter Jackson said I look like Clark Gable with my kick-ass moustache. Fran Walsh, his lover, said that I look like a traffic cop, so I was like what am I going to do? Do I shave it? Do I keep it? Flipped a coin. Went with Clark Gable.'

" 'Speaking of coins,' we asked, 'do you bring a good-luck charm to a big premiere like this?'

" 'I should!' he said, turning to his handler. 'Did you bring it? I didn’t. I had a kick-ass King Kong Pez dispenser. I was chowing down on ‘em but I forgot to bring ‘em. I should bring a kick-ass [good-luck charm] – did someone else? Did anybody else?'

" 'Peter Jackson had the original Kong. Did you bring anything to the premiere?'

" 'I brought nothing,' Black said.

" 'Did you bring a guest?'

" 'I brought my lady,' he replied, looking around. 'My gorgeous young lady. Is she hiding? Where’s she hiding? Oh, she’s on the phone.' "

Where was Naomi Watts? Well, a little late, Becks writes, so no quiet chats for them. Anyhow, thanks to Becks for the fine report, and to all our guests for playing along. Let's do it again next year around this time with The Good Shepherd--what do you say? Oh, quit frowning, for Christ's sake.