On relying on comedy:
Judd Apatow: "I try not to think about each [film] too much in the context of my career. I think about, at the end of my career, walking through that 'hallway' and being proud of all these things that I've made."
Conan O'Brien: "The only way you can survive doing this -- because I think comedy's too hard, I really do. I hang my self esteem on each moment sometimes and I think that I can't do that. [It makes me] too unhappy for too long."
On the people who loved high school:
Conan O'Brien: "When someone else comes along and they're pretty funny, and they're also a great athlete, and [they seem like someone] who had a pretty good time in school. For me, I hated school when I was a kid, I just hated it. And when I hear about kids who loved going to school--"
Judd Apatow: "They loved school, they got laid a lot, and they're funny. And good at sports. I hate those people."
Conan O'Brien: "They need to die."
Conan on Obama's comedic chops:
"Is Obama really funny? Let's really talk about this because is he really funny or has he learned the rhythm because he needed to and he's a very smart guy? I have not been able to get a handle on how naturally funny Obama is because I don't think we've had very many naturally funny presidents. I think often it's a liability. I think John F. Kennedy was our last genuinely funny president."