Woody Allen wasn't present at the DGA awards, where "The Artist" director Michel Hazanavicius was the big winner, but that didn't stop him from stealing the show with a suitably neurotic speech via video. It went like this:
Hi. I just wanted to express my gratitude for this. I was astonished when I saw my name on the list of all these illustrious directors. My first reaction was that it was a typo, that some poor guy was going to be fired because he stuck my name on it by accident. When I found out it was legitimate, I tried to keep it in perspective, to assess where I put the Directors’ Guild as far as awards go. I thought it was somewhere between the top of the spectrum, which would be, let’s say, the Nobel Prize, and the bottom of the barrel, which would be, let’s say, uh, the Republican Primary. … You may be asking yourselves, if he’s so happy and so grateful, why isn’t he here? I’m not there because I knew if I came, I would have to mingle, and I don’t hold up in person. … From 3,000 miles away, I can appear more intelligent, but in actual social situations, I can’t keep up my end of the conversation. I drift. I’m the only guy who is short, and wears tweed clothing with elbow patches, and with black rimmed glasses, and is Jewish — but not smart.