The next presidential election is looking as embarrassingly bleak as the last one. Is there ever going to be a candidate who transcends party lines and cuts through the politics to address universal human issues that matter to those of us who aren't stubborn conservatives or condescending liberals? Because democrats need to realize that none of their candidates have enough cylinders firing to win over the other side. The same goes for the red guys. It's the same fucking shit as last time, a grab bag of play-by-the-book blandness that blurs together into one boring, robotic suit. It's disgusting, and it makes me not want to care.

So who am I voting for, then? Ladies and gentlemen, my vote for the next president of the United States of America is this person.

No, I'm not kidding.