I am writing to you from the jury assembly room in downtown Brooklyn, where the verdict has just come down:
I HAVEN'T BEEN SELECTED FOR JURY DUTY!!!! I'M OFF THE HOOK!!!
The process only took one day—the rules have changed in these parts and it isn't two or three anymore—and they have assured me that I'm good to go for the next eight years.
I'd like to thank my friends, my family, God, Buddha, Mr. Clean, Mrs. Butterworth, Ron Jaworski, Adrienne Barbeau, street vendors everywhere, Betsy Ross, stamp collectors, plumbers, escalators, and the list goes on.
Seriously, this shit feels better than if I'd won the fuggin' lottery.