"The Absolutely Worst Places to Live in America" -- Buy This Book Now

by tully
October 17, 2006 2:23 AM
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My good buddy Dave Gilmartin just published a hilarious new book called "The Absolutely Worst Places to Live in America." Dave is a brilliant mind, yet Dave is also very lazy. For this book, he left most of the work up to friends and associates, who submitted their own quotes for him to use about their least favorite locales in the bad ol' US-of-A. I'm in there four times, but if that isn't enough to tickle your interest, David Gordon Green is also quoted. It's a very funny book. You can buy it here. Or, better yet, walk into an actual bookstore so you can start reading it right away.


I accompanied Dave on a dangerous photo mission last spring when he decided to get off his ass and make his own contribution to the book for once (what a novel concept). We journeyed into the heart of the Baltimore ghetto (ever seen THE WIRE?) on a Sunday morning at 11am, which we figured would be a relatively safe time to visit that part of the world. Yet the sunlight and early time of day did nothing to soften--or safen--the vibe. Somehow, we managed to stop the car long enough to snap this pic, which turned out quite lovely. Mission accomplished, though very barely.


Congratulations to Dave on a job well done. Now go buy the book so you can see if any places from your past made the cut. If you're like me, you'll recognize plenty of names.

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More: Miscellaneous


  • Shaunie | November 10, 2010 2:47 AMReply

    The people from Fitchburg who have presented their view here astound me at how they "sound". No correct grammar, punctuation, and using ghetto slang doesn't help this poor city's cause, okay? I have lived in Fitchburg for my entire life, and I am still proud to say it. It's easy to kick something when it's down, isn't it? I haven't yet nor will I ever read this guy's book. Wonder which lovely, perfect place he calls home? Better yet, who the hell cares?!!

  • Steve | October 26, 2010 12:57 PMReply

    I must have a copy of this Baltimore Bench.....any idea on how to accomplish this?

  • Gofuckyourself | September 19, 2010 12:02 PMReply

    Syracuse sucks? This guy probably got burned by some tranny hooker on the southside. If you don't like Syracuse, you apparently don't know Syracuse. Please shoot yourself in the face in front of your child.

  • Or perhaps | June 18, 2012 9:54 PM

    Or perhaps he ran into you while there. What kind of person would tell someone to "shoot yourself in the face in front of your child"? That isn't "just a joke" as you might claim; that is way to specific and graphic to be "a joke". You are a truly disgusting person.

  • bob grusome | August 21, 2010 2:57 AMReply

    this author is seriously a fucking idiot!

  • leafy trails | July 27, 2010 3:15 AMReply

    u notice how i ddint right my real name lol. all u fags that say fitchbrug aitn bad... lloook at what ur sayin. u live 5min away from ashburnham a rich ass town with million dallor houses. walk around store 24 at 2 in the morin, u fagets will probly shit ur pants! shut the fuck up casue u dont no what ur talkin about.

  • leafy trails | July 27, 2010 3:08 AMReply

    ok first of all, ive lived in fitchburg all my life. i livced in the worst parts of it. i heard gunshots almost every night, and u no it wasnt the cops, oor some redneck shootinga deer. it was probly a poertircan or nigger shooting at somebody. hookers are everywere. i was seliin drugs to support my habbit wen i was 15 on fuckin main st. with cops drivin past me. nebody that says different doesnt no wtf there talking about. but ya no i love it. its my hometown and it made me who i am, but its funny considering im nothin like nebody there. FITCHBURG MASS REPRESENT!!!

  • Michelle | June 29, 2008 5:18 AMReply

    Well considering I lived in Fitchburg for 4 painful years while I attended the college in town (Fitchburg State) I can honestly say this is completely true. However, to be fair I must admit that most of my ventures didn't leave the area in which the college was located. So it is possible that there are neighborhoods in the city that are severely different than what I have found. From the area which I experienced I would have to admit that Fitchburg is by far one of the worst places in Massachusetts, and possibly even America. No exaggeration. You cannot feel safe to walk from your car to a convenient store. Constantly the locals who do nothing but roam the streets all day will make vulgar and rude comments. There are many shoot outs, stabbings, robberies, rapes, and other crimes. The residents seem to love to terrorize the students. People get into fights in the middle of the streets at all hours of the night and early morning. Cars are stolen on the regular. Pittbulls roam the streets freely, without leashes. "Gangs" battle with eachother. There is a strip club in the town which also attracts nothing but scum. There are many homeless, and prostitutes. The cops seem to do nothing about the real crime in the city. There are no money making establishments in the city except for the college. Of course, there are many nice people who live in Fitchburg, however, the overall analysis of this city is nothing but a negative one. Of course there are decent neighborhoods, but as soon as one crosses the boundaries into the real part of the city, it is absolutely disgusting. There are stray cats everywhere, trash in the middle of the road. Placing Fitchburg in this book was well merited, speaking from my experience residing in the city.

  • Mike O | June 29, 2008 4:53 AMReply

    I lived in Fitchburg for 2 years and it is a shitty place i cant exactly remember where i lived but i lived near that water fountain in a brown apartment and i always saw hookers and heard gun shots and my apartment building was shit

  • yorkipal | December 9, 2006 4:34 AMReply

    Aberdeen Wa. was once a very nice small town, over the years I have watched it decay and dry up. Its not worth the trip down there any more. Mabe this will be what it takes for some one to get off their a$$ and get this town living again. I miss it.

  • MichaelK | December 9, 2006 4:32 AMReply

    Aberdeen, WA is really bad, but have you been to Bremerton? It's Aberdeen with a naval shipyard, and even more Camaros. We call the locals Bremelos.

  • anonymous | December 8, 2006 5:58 AMReply

    Aberdeen, WA has to be one of the largest 'holes' on Earth. Dave pegged this one, for sure!! The City and County officials are one frigging joke.....

  • iw | December 7, 2006 10:39 AMReply

    You are an idiot. Syracuse, NY: Some people in this country enjoy real snow and a thriving university. Using your weekend visit during the mid-1990s to base a review and others from the Internet is purely idiotic and I hope you fail miserably. Why don't you do some real research you lazy slob?

  • Stephanie | December 1, 2006 2:50 AMReply

    I live in Manchester, NH. Everything you said in the book is TRUE. It is the most depressing place to live and everyone that lives here has a bad additude.

  • iw | November 28, 2006 2:25 AMReply

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  • iw | November 28, 2006 2:24 AMReply

    fuck gilmartin!

  • tyler robar | November 28, 2006 2:23 AMReply

    I am from fitchburg, and what Dave Gilmartin says about it is not true. You can find so many different cultures and different ethnic background its unbelievable. As a happy resident i can think of so many more towns th at would fit this criterian much much better

  • Wayne | November 27, 2006 5:03 AMReply

    Many Dundalk folks won't take kindly to the passage about this part of town in the Baltimore entry. Were the quotes in today's Baltimore Sun article (and the "self-description of you") accurate? Have you been to Dundalk? Has Mr. Gilmartin?

  • Dave | November 27, 2006 3:16 AMReply

    Bill is correct it is Brooklyn, IL not MO. Granite City, Wood River, Roxana, East St. Louis, Brooklyn, Washington Park, Venice etc. It doesn't matter which one you choose, they are all bad.

  • bill | November 26, 2006 2:48 AMReply

    He hit the nail on the head with Granite City... I about fell out of my chair at his description. Dead on. Whoever says different - still lives there.
    Notice the language Sarah has to offer. The funny thing is - she's talking about Brooklyn IL - there is no Brooklyn MO. Shes a genius.

  • mitchell man | November 21, 2006 10:42 AMReply

    haha mitchell does suck

  • Ronald Schultenover | November 20, 2006 4:05 AMReply

    St. Cloud is definitely the worst place I have ever lived. I have never known anyone who didn't hate it at least not anyone whose IQ exceeeded the median January temperature there

  • Lauren | November 18, 2006 3:15 AMReply

    Hmm, the people writing from Fitchburg can barely string two words together. Must be some serious drug use going on there, city wide.

  • jack | November 18, 2006 2:40 AMReply

    It must be me. I live in St. Cloud MN and commute to work in Springfield MO twice a month. I can not beleive both cities fall amongst the worst in the USA. I like them both, Go SCSU Huskies and MSU Bears!

  • Ryan | November 15, 2006 2:17 AMReply

    Allston MA, 14th worst place to live. I wonder why? Is that why the housing market is expensive? Because no one wants to live there? Allston has a lot of history as one of most cultural, arts and music oriented sections of Boston. Anyone saying bad things about Allston has obviously never spent time in Boston's worst neighborhoods. Do some accurate research before you publish a book full of BS.

    By the way, some of the genius quotes (on this comment board) by the folks from Fitchburg, MA have me wondering if it really is that bad. These people can barely speak...

  • Jeanette | November 13, 2006 1:06 AMReply

    I reside in Greeley, Co. Mullets and big hair? Yeah, right! How can anyone who has never even been to Greeley claim any credibility? True, Greeley has some problems (like any community) but, it is a clean, fast growing community with beautiful parks, outstanding community centers, a brand new Ice Hause, and a ton of new retail. I would like to know the unlucky city where this MORAN resides. It does not matter if I have been there or not, I have plenty to say about it. Right, Mr. Gilmartin? I think your a boring, lazy old man who needs to get a life!

  • brad | November 12, 2006 9:38 AMReply

    hello. I live in greeley colorado. yea your friend is brilliant. i hope he does not consider himself a scholar. he surveyed people in colorado based on craigslist. nice research. that is valid. what joke. anyone who lives in nyc thinks that anyone east of buffalo knows nothing. i hope his survey drives people away. this is the fastest growing county in the united states for good reason. who by the way dave did you know that my dad, who went to yale was a minister here in greeley for 30 years. and that the last two retired chief judges went to law school at harvard and yale. pretty good for geeley huh. O my family and i will be visiting nyc by stage coach in a couple weeks. Love, your mullet wearing greeley lawyer brad.

  • Ruby | November 8, 2006 2:14 AMReply

    You should be ashamed of yourself; how can you rate a town if you've never been there? By the word of some jerk who probably complains about everything? Springfield,MO is a wonderful, friendly place. Stay where you are and please don't dirty our town by ever visiting us in Springfield.

  • jeremy | November 6, 2006 10:57 AMReply

    yea. fitchburg is ghetto man. but defenetly not the ghetto-ist.

  • Tyler Cote | November 6, 2006 10:03 AMReply

    yeah fitchburg sucks but its not the worst, some of the bad things are the mayor the police chief and the methodone clinic.

  • Tyler Cote | November 6, 2006 10:03 AMReply

    yeah fitchburg sucks but its not the worst, some of the bad things are the mayor the police chief and the methodone clinic.

  • shamara | November 6, 2006 9:59 AMReply

    wow i mean fitchburg aint great but it aint the worse ive seen worse

  • CATHERINE | November 6, 2006 9:53 AMReply


  • sarah wilson | November 6, 2006 9:48 AMReply

    Hello my name is sarah i live in fitchburg and to see that fitchburg is one of the worst citys to live in. Is not the greatest thing to hear seriously were I live is not bad at all i live in the part of fitchburg were ashburnham is about 5 min away yah fitchburg is bad you know that but with all the citys and theft i cant believ fitchburg is in the top cause you know what there is not that much stuff that happens around here yah i admitt there has been shoot outs and prostitution and drugs but every city has it so i do not believ taht fitchburg can be in the top..

  • sarah wilson | November 6, 2006 9:48 AMReply

    Hello my name is sarah i live in fitchburg and to see that fitchburg is one of the worst citys to live in. Is not the greatest thing to hear seriously were I live is not bad at all i live in the part of fitchburg were ashburnham is about 5 min away yah fitchburg is bad you know that but with all the citys and theft i cant believ fitchburg is in the top cause you know what there is not that much stuff that happens around here yah i admitt there has been shoot outs and prostitution and drugs but every city has it so i do not believ taht fitchburg can be in the top..

  • Rachel | November 6, 2006 9:37 AMReply

    I am Rachel. I live in Fitchburg. This is ridiculous, seriously. Umm where don't you find all of that? Really I agree hanging out at pay phones come on now. Make up something better, better yet, please dont. You need to live here in order to see all of that. It is a great town and yeah if you dont like it then who cares thats your say but my say is, thats pretty dumb.

  • Luther | July 31, 2013 10:37 PM

    Fitchburg, Bitchburg, Shitburg who cares. Fitchburg is Americas' cesspool. When I take a dump it floats all the way to Fitchburg. What a lame ass name for a lame ass town. Welfare recipients, Ho's, drug addicts, winos, drug dealers, pimps, mayor and po-lice included. They police are on the take and they sell the drugs that they take from the brother. The white man wanna keep a brother down. I say we rise up and fight. We have the firepower. Time to do some target practice .

  • scott | July 19, 2012 1:50 AM

    fitchburg is nothing but crack and whores now .i would rather live in bridgeport conn which is a peice of shit in itself. fitchburg used to be nice but then came crack the only parts of fitchburg that are nice now are out west or east this town needs a serious enema when my company sends me to fitchburg i dont go thats how downtrodden and defiled this once beautiful city is.the police chief is a moron and the mayor just as moronic.most common income in the burg (welfare).

  • john | November 6, 2006 9:22 AMReply

    my name is john and i live in fitchburg so who is this guy to come to my city for a couple of hours and say its one of the worst city's in america wow i take offense to this. though it has its ups and downs what city doesnt maybe he could say stuff about the city if he lived here ....but he doesnt."illegal drag racing, theft, hanging out at payphones, drugs and mispronunciation." wow hanging out at payphones? are you serious?? ive never seen that most city do have drag racing and have theft .theft is all around us along with drugs now im saying that i aprove of any of this so thats what i have to say

  • kay | November 2, 2006 12:54 AMReply

    Good grief, Mitchell is not a "city", it is a town and not even a very big one with less that 15,000 people. Whether you defend Mitchell or hate it its pretty clear it is most definitely far from being urban.

  • Brad | October 28, 2006 7:19 AMReply

    Unreal.. to say the least!!! I'm a proud Mitchell, SD resident. Our city is growing, low in crime, CLEAN, have a low unemployment rate and many other positives. What type of person would TRY to write a book like this??? Way to show your American pride DAVE. I will never own this book and I hope others feel the same way.

  • shauna | October 27, 2006 12:50 PMReply

    There was an article about his comments on Fitchburg, Ma...and living there for 20 years I could maybe find one of his points remotely accurate.

    Sending friends to do research about what towns to insult does not result in a hilarious product. It results in a sloppy one. You are right though, it shows he's lazy. Apparently laziness took a hit on his so-called brilliance, because I could name five other towns in Massachusetts alone that would ACTUALLY fit all of his criteria.

  • Jackie Christiansen | October 27, 2006 11:46 AMReply

    If you think Mitchell is bad...you've obviously never been to Dr. Luckys and had a pepper jack burger. People come from Sioux Falls to eat them