THE LAST BLUNDER: Chapter 3 by Damian K. Lahey

(The Last Blunder is a humorous weekly serial detailing the making of a true independent filmmaking catastrophe. I hope all of you who read along find it entertaining and can relate to it to some degree. The names of the participants have been changed. Any comments, suggestions, compliments, or criticisms can be sent to damianATkaverasfilmDOTcom. Enjoy!)

The Last Blunder: Chapter 3 by Damian K. Lahey

A sweaty and nervous Balthazar Spankenstein walked into the office and slumped down in the couch, looking depressed. He was followed by a swaggering Studs Diamonds. Billy Bold, Studs’ fat and jocular sunburnt lawyer came next. Spanky was upset because a certain actress he’d wanted to cast in the film from Beverly Hills 90210 had turned him down. Suzy rushed to his side and began giving him a back massage. I stayed focused on doing my breakdowns of the script and tried to ignore my surroundings. Studs told Spanky not to worry. Even though the actress had a name and had been in a hit TV show, they could save money and find a better looking girl with his strip club connections. Billy was sitting at the table nursing a 42 oz margarita he’d mixed up in one of those huge gas station to-go cups. At 27, he had the ruddy, blistering red face of a 50 yr old drunkard. He and Studs had been out on his daddy’s boat with some girls from the club when a panicked Spanky had called with the news. But all was not lost yet. Shifto Jeans, investor-turned-associate producer-turned-casting director was on his way to save the day. I mentioned that we should cast the role with local talent as we really didn’t have the money to be messing around with name talent and agencies. Spanky sharply told me that wasn’t part of my job description. This was followed by a round of smug chortling from Studs and Billy, who approved of Spanky putting me in my place.

Shifto came into the office a couple minutes later and was clearly in damage control mode. Something had to be done. They needed a name actress for the lifeguard. There was no way around it. Shifto was also a little miffed because one of the reasons he’d become an associate producer on The Last Blunder was because of this 90210 actress. I watched as Spanky tried to explain how there was some sort of contractual loop hole they’d found, and that if only he had the money for a lawyer he’d sue their asses off and that all this was just another example of big, rich, Hollywood working over the little guy. We all knew he’d been raising money falsely advertising that this actress was going to be in the film, but nobody wanted to bring this up. What was done, was done. Studs and Billy got up and excused themselves. They would leave this matter in the confident hands of Shifto. Their job here was finished. They left discussing an amateur porn site they wanted to put together with autographed panties and naked girls doing keg stands.

His power massage ended, Spanky joined Shifto at the table for what I assumed would be a delusional conversation about what A-List actresses they could try to get to act in the film for free. But then Molly Wire came bursting into the office freaking out. Her dad was thinking about pulling out his money. He wanted to have a face to face with Spanky as soon as possible. Spanky turned pale and started shaking. Shifto sorted through his paperwork and pretended not to hear what was going down. I was sure he was beginning to have his doubts. I glanced over at Midriff, who was glowering at Wire. I told Spanky to tell old man Wire that we’d be shooting for six weeks, alternating between five-day and six-day weeks, a total of thirty-three days with three pick-up days if needed. And honestly, with our budget looking the way it was, this was very much an impossibility. I’d been hiding that grotesque fact from Spanky, counting on him to raise more money so we could get there.

As Spanky stared off into space, Molly Wire informed us that her dad was waiting at a café down the street for either affirmation we were going to make the film or to give him his money back. Shifto said he’d go along and be the voice of another investor. One who was in for the long haul. One who knew that The Last Blunder was destined to make them all filthy rich. I volunteered to stay at the office and Suzy wasn’t invited, and Spanky didn’t say goodbye to her as they rushed out to their emergency meeting. Suzy rushed to the window and watched as they crammed into Shifto’s Mercedes and peeled off. As soon as they were out of sight, she let out a blood curdling scream, picked up a couple copies of the script, and hurled them across the room. She then paced around for a bit, cursing Spanky up and down. She jumped up on the couch and began tearing head shots off the walls and ripping them in half. After exhausting herself, she collapsed on the desk and began sobbing her brains out. She tried calling Spanky a few times, but he wasn’t answering. She must’ve forgotten the importance of their meeting. It was around the time that she grabbed a beer from the fridge and started chugging it while crying hysterically that I decided that she needed to be fired. I grabbed the beer out of her hand and explained to her that given the dramatic circumstances involved in the production and her inability to handle them, it would be best if she stayed away.

Suzy lay on the couch and wept silently while I waited for Spanky to return. When he did, he didn’t look well. They’d kept the money, but it had come with a price. Molly Wire looked like she’d been crying and Shifto looked despondent. I gathered that a larger percentage of the film’s gross had been forfeited to hold on to Daddy’s money. Shifto would have to downsize the boat he was thinking of buying. Of course, what they didn’t know, but what I DID know—as I had all the paperwork—was that Spanky had already promised about 325% of the film, pulling a ‘Producers’ so to speak. I gave Spanky credit for trying to put a good face on what was going on, but it was rough. When he noticed Suzy crying on the couch, he asked what was wrong. I told him the situation. I was then berated for being hard on the girl, but I held my ground. I’d have someone else there in the morning. Shifty sat with her on the couch and consoled her. Spanky told me the timing for Suzy’s firing wasn’t what he needed after a stressful day. Molly Wire quietly exited and soon enough, so did everybody else…

(I want to thank everybody for reading and hope you continue to read as the misadventures of The Last Blunder continue next week…)