THE LAST BLUNDER: Chapter 4 by Damian K. Lahey

(The Last Blunder is a humorous weekly serial detailing the making of a true independent filmmaking catastrophe. I hope all of you who read along find it entertaining and can relate to it to some degree. The names of the participants have been changed. Any comments, suggestions, compliments, or criticisms can be sent to damianATkaverasfilmDOTcom. Enjoy!)

The Last Blunder: Chapter 4 by Damian K. Lahey

I want to start off this chapter by pointing out that the “production office” I’ve been referring to was in fact my co-producer’s house. His name was Biff Frank, not to be confused with the hot dog. Biff was in his thirties and was a real journeyman. He was a meats and potatoes kind of guy but highly efficient in the day-to-day mechanics of production and all things crew related. He was also very blunt. I was good cop and he was bad cop, and we worked well together that way. During this period, Biff was working long nights as the production office coordinator on another film in town, and didn’t come in until the office was closed for the day. We will talk more about him later.

The firing of Suzy Midriff had created a bunker mentality amongst Balthazar Spankenstein and his loyalists. Spanky would only hold meetings with Shifto and Studs at his garage apartment where a scantily clad Suzy would drape herself over him. Shifto and Studs would then meet me at the office to discuss what they had discussed with Spanky. It was a poor way of getting things done and it certainly showed because…nothing was getting done. So we had two production offices running. Since all official business was being run through mine, it didn’t make much sense. At the same time, we were trying to prepare for our first production meeting with the entire crew in little under a week. I could tell Curley Blonde wished he could be part of the bunker crew, but he was stuck with me. There was more than enough work to go around and I was doing all of it myself. At the bunker, Studs was doing his own schedule and breakdowns. One of his girls from the club had an interest in film and he was paying her to do it. Shifto felt I had handled the affair with Suzy unprofessionally and thought I was picking on her. I just wanted to move on. Despite our differences, if we didn’t start working together, we wouldn’t be making a movie. Period.

It’s time that I introduce the cinematographer of The Last Blunder: Morrison McCarthy. Morrison had worked with me on another independent feature and a music video. He was also my roommate. Morrison had a great eye, good instincts, and was a lover of all things film. He was one of the few people who supported me when I first moved into town and that meant a lot to me. Preliminary meetings he’d had with Spanky before pre-production had not been very inspiring. And I felt bad that we had to bring him in during this awkward time. Morrison had to meet with Spanky and company at the bunker. Morrison already didn’t like Shifto Jeans or Studs Diamonds after an experience he had with them on a short film they’d made called Monster In My Boxers. That had been a true Studs Diamonds production. For the premiere of this short, a four story bar/restaurant had been rented out with kegs and an open bar. That was where Morrison and I first met. Morrison had been disgusted by the obscene amount of money being spent on the premiere party for this fifteen-minute short when the production itself had been done as cheaply as humanly possible, with the crew treated like slave labor. Studs’ crass plantation rich lifestyle offended Morrison’s more humble southern sensibilities.

When Morrison arrived at the bunker, he wasn’t impressed. He didn’t particularly like having meetings with Spanky, former employee Midriff, and two associate producers—one with a stripper doing script breakdowns. I wondered how they all fit in there. After some cajoling, Spanky gave his heavies the day off and sat down for a meeting with Morrison. But it didn’t go well. Spanky seemed distracted by Suzy, who, oddly enough, had more ideas about how to structure the film visually then Spanky. Of course, some of this can be attributed to Spanky’s belief that he needed to be stoned to dive into the visual nuances of his film. Unfortunately, marijuana didn’t open Spanky’s mind, it shut it down. Hard. With his eyes half open, Spanky giggled and talked about ordering pizza. As Morrison patiently tried to walk him through scenes, Spanky began incoherently blathering about shots he wanted for scenes they’d gone over twenty minutes before. Eager to assert herself and prove her worthiness after being fired from the production, Suzy would interject at every possible moment, eliciting looks of doped up lust from Spanky and driving Morrison up the wall.

Morrison decided this was no way to work. He and Spanky would work alone at our house, while I was at the ‘Production Office’. They needed to focus and stay on task. There was a lot of work to be done and not a day could be wasted. While thumbing through Papa John’s coupons, Spanky reluctantly agreed. The next day when the elite production squad gathered at the bunker before heading over to the office, Studs explained that his ‘girl’ hadn’t worked out with the breakdowns and scheduling. She wasn’t up to the task. Spoiled by the easy drugs and easy money of stripping, she just didn’t have the discipline for serious production work. Studs Diamonds decided they should just stick with the work I had done. Shifto agreed. Of course he did. I was doing all his paperwork while he was sucking up to Spanky, running his mouth about me. The bunker was falling apart.

Spanky then headed over to our house for his one on one with Morrison. After what Morrison would later describe as ‘an excruciatingly painful experience’ it was decided that he would direct all camera movement for the film and Spanky would focus on the actors. Spanky was totally cool with being relieved of half his duties as director after his second meeting with the D.P. But he still wanted to be kept in the loop, so they agreed to meet once a week at our house to discuss things.

(I want to thank everybody for reading and hope you continue to read as the misadventures of The Last Blunder continue next week…)