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Being Miranda Hobbes: Why Women Really Love Sex And The City

by Alyssa Rosenberg
July 23, 2013 2:00 PM
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Of the four main characters it's possible to identify with in Sex and the City, Miranda never seems to be the most popular choice. Carrie is fashion-forward, successful in an occupation that would be sexy even if her column wasn't about sex, and runs through a series of dramatically rich relationships, each of which propels her towards a truer understanding of herself. Samantha is an adventuress in the most classical sense of the word, a sexual omnivore with a surprisingly squishy heart, a big, expansive career, and a loft with a roof deck in the meatpacking district. And Charlotte managed to balance a nice-girl wardrobe and set of manners, while living a life larger and more interesting than the classic six she got in her divorce, posing for (and hooking up with) drag king photographers and having her vagina painted by an upstate eccentric, not to mention her rendezvous with a group of New York's Power Lesbians. Whatever their flaws---and Carrie's obsessiveness, Samantha's selfishness, and Charlotte's embrace of a phony vision of marital happiness were all real and consequential--they represented three equally glamorous visions of what it meant to be a well-off woman in New York.

By contrast, when we met Miranda for the first time, it was over one of those shameful, ubiquitous hot foot bars, brandishing a pair of tongs, an unidentifiable piece of meat, and a bad attitude.

Miranda is successful, perhaps even more successful than her best friends, given that she's the first of them to buy an apartment. She could be tart about what she'd accomplished, whether she was negotiating her relationship with a prudish new housekeeper who replaced her vibrator with a statue of the Blessed Virgin, or explaining that "I just realized, maybe it's maturity or the wisdom that comes with age, but the witch in 'Hansel and Gretel'- she's very misunderstood. I mean, the woman builds her dream house and these brats come along and start eating it." That success doesn't always translate into glamor in the same way it did for the other characters--Miranda memorably found out she'd been wearing the wrong bra size for years while shopping for an outfit to wear to her mother's funeral.

She was also often an in-house voice for the sorts of criticism that was launched at the show. "How did it happen that four such smart women have nothing to talk about but boyfriends?" Miranda snapped at her friends at one point. "It's like seventh grade with bank accounts." When Carrie was pondering a move to Paris in the sixth season, Miranda was both truthful and cutting about what it would entail. "I can’t believe you quit your job," Miranda told her friend, starting a fight that drew out their very different priorities about work and family. "I think you're making a mistake...Carrie, you can't quit your column. It's who you are...What are you going to do over there without your job, eat croissants?"

And while her friends often got themselves in trouble by being too open to relationships, sexual liaisons, or marriages, Miranda was closed-off, cautious, self-protective in a way that could be caustic, and harmful to herself as well as to other people. She once ate an entire, pizza-sized cookie with "I Love You" written on it in chocolate chips to avoid dealing with a declaration of intimacy. "I am so fucked up," Miranda told Carrie afterwards. "I am never going to be happy. It’s just not going to happen for me...I always thought that when the right guy came along all my bullshit would calm down and go away."

In "The Man, The Myth, The Viagra," angry at Carrie for ditching their dinner plans, Miranda was needlessly rude to the bartender at the restaurant where she was stood up--both before and after she had sex with him. She wasn't without her reasons: it was just that Carrie had ditched her, but earlier in the same episode, Miranda was humiliated by a stand-up comedian when her date's phone rang during his set, and the person on the other end of the line turned out to be said date's wife. "If they're not married, they're gay, or burned for a divorce, or aliens from the planet Don't Date Me," Miranda told her friends over brunch. "Guys are such liars."

Miranda wasn't alone in getting scalded by bad dates and sexual humiliation, though she was the only one of the girls to get sexually harassed by a guy in a sandwich costume, but unlike her friends, she lacked a certain optimistic or adventurous balm that helped their scars heal more quickly and fade faster. "Why do you hate guys so much? We just met, so I know that ain't all about me," that bartender, a friendly guy named Steve, told Miranda later in the episode, after she was nasty to him in front of her friends. "I just want to get to know you better. Do me a favor. Can you for one second believe that maybe I’m not some full of shit guy? That maybe I do like you? That maybe the other night was special? Do you think that maybe you could believe that?" When Miranda told him "No," it was a gesture of self-loathing, a punishment for the times she'd let herself hope before, rather than a slap at Steve himself.

And when her faith was moderately restored by an out-of-character romantic gesture from Mr. Big to Carrie, Miranda raced out into the rain to tell Steve that she'd changed her mind, that "Maybe I can believe it." It's one of the most romantic moment in the show that's both profoundly true to its message" Miranda was placing a bet on herself, as well as on Steve.

Years later, after they'd broken up, reunited, broken up again, and had a child together, but started dating other people, Miranda confessed to Steve in her laundry closet: "I love you. I love you, Steve. I'm sorry. I should never have said that. It's just that I love you, and I fucked everything up, and now it's too late. I'm sorry I'm doing this. I'm sorry. Please don't look at me." Even then, she doubted herself, and her worthiness of love, given her past mistakes. But Steve's response was immediate. "I love you, too," he told her. “Miranda, you're the one," even if he needed to remind her of her value over and over again.

That "you're the on" is overshadowed by the same declaration, uttered a dozen episodes later on a Paris bridge, by Carrie to Mr. Big. It's the show's giant fairy tale moment, what Nussbaum argues is a betrayal of the show's own critiques of romantic comedies. But it's also part of the compromises all four of the characters reach in Sex and the City's final season. Carrie's reunion with Big is a recognition that they're flawed, even curdled, in some fundamentally similar ways. Samantha, whose aversion to monogamy was always somewhat overstated, ends up in a committed relationship, but to a hot male model. Charlotte converts to Judaism to marry her divorce lawyer, and ends up with an adopted daughter rather than carrying a successful pregnancy to term.

But it's Miranda, the pragmatist, who makes the most significant sacrifices for her relationship with Steve. She agrees to move to Brooklyn so their young family will have more space. And in the finale, she ends up caring for Steve's mother, an abrasive alcoholic who's succumbing to dementia, when the older woman wanders off and is discovered eating pizza out of the garbage. It might seem like a come-down, but given Miranda's history, it's a rather remarkable place for her to have arrived at.

While the rest of her friends got some version of the fairy tales they'd always believed were possible, Miranda never quite had matching expectations for herself. She started Sex and the City as a woman who was paralyzed and angry by the prospect of pain. She ended the show open to the possibility that she was capable of great joy, even that she had her fair share of it coming to her, but vindicated in the understanding that it would sometimes be accompanied by great hurt. Instead of being overwhelmed by that possibility, as she was so many times in the past, Miranda, more so than any of her friends, finally opened up to the full force of both of those emotions. I'll take that life lesson over Tony Soprano's sexy menace, Don Draper's sodden mystique, or Jimmy McNulty's bravado any day.

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  • Therese Shechter | August 1, 2013 4:21 PMReply

    When I watched those first SATC episodes way back when, they were a revelation. No one had ever talked that way about female sexuality on television before, and I'm still grateful to them for helping usher in those kinds of feminist conversations about desire and sexual agency.

    My favorite character was always Miranda. She took some abuse, by the characters in the series and by extension I think by the writers. But she grounded the show by speaking the truth many friends and I were really feeling, as Alyssa's quotes reveal.

  • zibbyz | July 31, 2013 5:20 PMReply

    Folks don't want to be Miranda bec her situation is too much like real life instead of a fairy tale. However, like the author, I would rather take her life lessons than the others. And the denigration of Sex and the City is not unexpected, given the leeway that men's movies enjoy (Hung Over 1, 2 or 3, anyone?).

  • mensagens para celular | July 25, 2013 1:33 AMReply

    What's with all the anti Sopranos rants in the endure week? If it's because Sex in the City is a appearance that explores changeable leads over males again that's affectionate of arbitrary because Sex in the City was created by a man and almost bisected the episodes accounting by men, while Sopranos, which gets abuse nowadays because TV is the cultural acme apropos feminism I guess, had a woman advance biographer on macho centered show.Mensagens Para Celular

  • kzo | July 23, 2013 10:19 PMReply

    Miranda has one of my favorite lines ever (about Halloween costumes): "the only two choices for women: witch or sexy kitten."

  • Krystal | July 23, 2013 7:24 PMReply

    What a beautiful, well-written article that shows me I should have never overlooked this character like so many do. I think it's because consciously identifying with the fear of intimacy and fear that we lack the worth to have a secure, healthy relationship are the fears most threatening in the entirety of this show.

  • Freddie deBoer | July 23, 2013 5:58 PMReply

    I'm with those who find criticism of the show unfair and deeply sexist while also thinking it's filled with bad writing, terrible jokes, and cartoonish characters.

  • Milly | July 23, 2013 5:13 PMReply

    I think it became vogue among young women to kick Sex in the City in the tits, just because it's still a thing for young women to kick the last generation in the tits. See the hatred for Madonna. It seems like there is a period of cultural rejection high visibility women must go through in their late forties and fifties. Then it comes around like it did for Stevie Nicks and Cher and even Gloria Steinem.

    Sex in the City was a fantasy of being able to afford things, have sex at every week as a single person, with no ex husbands or parents really, but it also showed the "pie in the face" moments. To showcase single women's lives is still a marvel, and even more so over the age of 27. And to have childless women who are not ashamed is a marvel.

    We don't have enough of different stories about women of different ages and lifestyles other than appropriately sexy and interesting to a frat boy. Entourage didn't get the criticism that the men "didn't represent me." But when you get one successful show about women, there's a pileup of "that doesn't represent me." Girls must represent all young women.

    That said, Newsroom is a terrible show for women characters. The women on a Sorkin show have an extra gene birth defect. They would stare at scissors for hours not knowing how to operate them. They have flipper feet, tripping over things all the time, and would be beached seals if not for Trademark Dude. Sorkin's paper women are adorkably stupid, simmering vengeful without power, and never get old or vary from a certain size. They are never in a position of real power over a man, no matter how many years they put into a profession. It's like a boy's view of women as doodles in his paper notebook.

  • amn;oair | July 23, 2013 2:24 PMReply

    What's with all the anti Sopranos rants in the last week? If it's because Sex in the City is a show that explores female leads over males then that's kind of unfair considering Sex in the City was created by a man and roughly half the episodes written by men, while Sopranos, which gets flak nowadays because TV is the cultural zenith concerning feminism I guess, had a woman lead writer on male centered show.

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